Where you should and shouldn’t invest your time and energy

Have you ever heard of the “one-day wager”? It’s a concept that one of my favorite dating/relationship coaches, Matthew Hussey, talks about. The one-day wager is essentially this: you invest time, energy, emotion, connection, etc. into someone hoping that one day they will be everything you want.

Matthew describes this as the riskiest wager you can possibly make with yourself. 

I totally agree. And, I think the wager goes beyond our romantic relationships. I believe this is a brilliant concept to apply to all aspects of life. The one-day wager is a lens I regularly use to look at my professional life.

I don’t know about you, but I grew up hearing that I needed to struggle and suffer and “pay my dues” in order to enjoy life. Climb the ladder. Do the time. In other words, I was socialized to believe in the merits of the one-day wager.

If you work hard now, even though it sucks, one day, you can have power, money, freedom, [insert whatever you’re chasing here].

I gave it the old college try. I “paid my dues” so that one day I could do what I wanted career-wise. Spoiler alert: I barely lasted six months. During those tragic six months (yes, I have a flair for the dramatic), I was making the one-day wager on a regular basis.

Thinking: Even though they [my bosses] don't invite me to essential meetings about topics I’m objectively well-qualified in. Even though they don’t seem to want my opinion on anything. Even though they have me copying and pasting things in Excel all day (seriously). Even though my office is the water cooler/storage room. Even though I don’t feel like people see me, much less appreciate me … I kept thinking: one day, they're going to realize that I'm really smart, I work hard, and I have a lot to offer. And, THEN, I'm going to get a seat at the table and I'm going to have the opportunity to share my thoughts and ideas on how we can support students and educators and make schools better.

During this time, I cried a lot. I drank a lot. A lot. I was miserable. One day, on my lunch break - I realized I couldn’t do one more day. I tendered my resignation.

That day, as I sat in my car for a 20-minute reprieve from my dreary, disappointing “career,” it really hit me that in my role, nothing I did mattered. At all. And, I really started to hear that voice in my head asking WHY was I okay with that? I was put here on this earth to do good. I took a huge risk and left academia so I could use research to help schools now. What the heck was I doing? Copy and paste in Excel for hours every day? Come on; my brain was melting. I couldn’t wait for someone to decide I'd earned the opportunity to contribute. Or hope that if I put my head down and worked hard enough on someone else's agenda for long enough, eventually, I'd get to have a voice in some decisions.

Here’s the thing — I’m not against grunt work. I do it all the time, even now. Sometimes grunt work is in service of a greater good — it has a purpose. I’m cool with that. I’m not cool with isolated, decontextualized grunt work with the promise of one day doing enough that you can have an “important role.” I think that’s b.s.

I felt such a wave of relief when I resigned. And, even though I’d go on to struggle to make ends meet while building up my dream business, every day I felt blessed to be working on projects where I truly believed I was making a difference.

Alas, lessons repeat. Years later, I landed an amazing client that I poured my heart and soul into. I ran myself ragged working for them because I believed in their cause. Even though I didn’t feel valued or appreciated, I was sure if I kept working hard one day, I would be.

Spoiler alert: That day never came.

After nearly a year, I couldn’t take it anymore. The toll on my mental and emotional health was too much. I again had to pull my investment. This time doing so was bittersweet. Well, to be completely honest, it downright sucked because unlike in my previous job, I loved this work. I felt like it was so important and meaningful. This time it was the culture that was too toxic for me.

Some jobs, some clients, some people can't give you what you need. That's okay. In my experience, it doesn't make anyone bad or wrong. It just means it's not for you. It's not a match. You can get mad about it (and, it's not wrong to get mad about it), but you can't keep investing and waiting for it to change one day. This is your life. Assert what you want, and be clear about what you need and ask for it. If you don't get it? Walk Run away. 

The only person you should ever make a one-day wager with is yourself.

As long as you stay true to your values, there is no wasted investment in yourself.

Nowadays, I take the one-day wager on myself all the time. I invest my time, energy, and effort in myself. I believe that if I keep showing up and being authentic, and doing what I can to make the world a better place, then one day it will pay off. The difference is that even though I still anticipate things being different one day — I am also happy with today. Even though there are some moments of pain and suffering, whether it’s financial or mental, at the end of the day, I control my day. I get to spend my time how I want to, and I get to feel good about the investment I'm making.  That is such a beautiful gift.

Whatever happens, whether the investment pays off tomorrow, six months or a year from now, I'm making myself happy today. I don't have to wait. One day is today. 

You can be happy today, and also you can be happy one day when everything else has panned out.

Are you sinking your time or energy into a professional relationship because one day it might pay off? That one day you will be appreciated? That one day it’ll improve? 

Look inside and see what matters to you. What do you value? What do you want? What do you need? What is your dream day? Start thinking about how you can infuse more and more of that into your day. Maybe you have the luxury to rip the bandaid off like I did (thank you, American Express for footing my bills every time I said goodbye to a job that wasn’t serving me), and just get rid of all the one-day wagers that you shouldn't be making. If you do, amazing. Go for it. If you don't, set aside some time, even if it's only five minutes of your day, to intentionally create the life you want to live. Focus on what lights you up and what feels good and start giving that space.

Your job is to get clear on what you want and practice moving away from what you don't. Focus on investing more in yourself, because you know that will pay off. If you're investing in others too, that's great — make sure there is a balanced, loving exchange and that you're not just getting all of the energy and hope sucked out of you. 

Can I promise it will be smooth sailing? Absolutely not. Discomfort and challenges will come but you will be able to bounce back because you’ll have that clarity of the vision of where you are going to ground you in a reality that is infinitely more fulfilling. 

Choose happiness. Choose yourself. And choose now. Don't wait.

What can you do today that is good? What can you do today that would make you smile? Feel light? Feel happy? Go do it. Then, do more of it. Keep practicing and see how you and the world around you changes.