Season 1: Ep.05 - On Value

(00:28)

Do you ever feel like other people don't value you, or they undervalue you? That they just don't appreciate all that you do, or who you are? I know I do. And I want to tell you something that is super important. You are valuable. You are worthy. You matter. You are kind of a big deal. Self-worth and being able to validate myself, and by that, I mean, not rely on external validation, is definitely one of the biggest and most persistent lessons I have ever had to learn, and continue to learn. For most of my life, I chased achievements; I craved external measures of success. Sometimes I still do. I felt that once I had straight A's or got into that great college, or earned this degree or that certification; that I would feel valuable, that I would be worthy of my dreams, that I would matter. But I'll tell you what, no matter how many awards, accolades or degrees I racked up, I did not feel any more valuable or worthy.

Here's why; we define our worth. You define your worth. Chasing external validation won't pay off because until you believe that you are good enough; no amount of praise is going to convince you. And the wild thing is, at least in my experience, the more I want external validation and for people to tell me that I'm good enough, and amazing, and all these nice things about me; the less likely I am to hear it. The minute I truly don't care, suddenly recognition comes out of the woodwork, so to speak.

(02:10)

Today's episode is all about value and I want to talk about three things in particular; mirrors, building and asserting yourself worth, and appreciation. One of the tricky things about value for me, is that when I think about it, I have this cognitive dissonance. I hold two beliefs that are not super compatible at the same time. The first one is that people are mirrors. That's the idea that you pull out of people, how you feel about yourself. So, in that sense, if you aren't feeling valued or appreciated by others, the issue may be that you don't truly believe in your worth. I really do believe in this phenomenon, so to speak. When I'm not feeling valued or appreciated, I try to pause and ask myself, is there a part of me that is not valuing or appreciating, or owning my worth? Is there an area where I need to dig deep and reflect, and learn, and grow? I mean, honestly, is there some piece of me that doesn't think I deserve what I want, or that is scared to play big? A lot of times the answer is yes. And when the answer is yes, that means it's time to hit that self-care, do some journaling, get out the affirmations and just really try to practice building self-worth, which we're going to talk about a bit more in just a second.

(03:36)

Now, there are times when I don't feel like I'm being valued, that I ask myself these questions and I think, um, no, I value myself, this is ridiculous… I deserve so much better. Now, if that's the case; it is time to practice asserting yourself. What does it mean to stay in relationships, whether they are personal or business, when you aren't valued or appreciated? Well, back to the mirror, you aren't valuing yourself enough. Think about it this way; if you're not feeling valued or appreciated, but you're staying in that situation where you aren't feeling valued or appreciated… you're essentially saying it's okay with me that I'm not valued or appreciated, which is kind of a signal that you really aren't valuing and appreciating yourself enough, or that you haven't reached that tipping point of self-belief where you are willing to assert yourself and draw those boundaries to ensure that other people are valuing you at your worth.

And if that's the case, hey, it's okay. We have all been there. I've been there a few times. I've been there a few times recently. Sometimes we overstay our welcome in relationships. Again, business or personal, and don't feel comfortable asserting our worth, or maybe deep down we do have more work to do over our worthiness and our value, and we're just not comfortable enough to draw or enforce those boundaries around our worth in that moment. And that's okay. But it's also something to be aware of so that you can really do the work on building your value, so that you can reach that tipping point where you're like; hey, I'm not being valued here, I need to assert this boundary, and if it's not honored, I need to go. Because by going, I'm going to attract more opportunities and more people who really do value me and appreciate me, and see what an amazing, awesome person, filled with unique contributions, I am.

(05:45)

So how do you build self-worth? I remember my therapist, Ron, who I mentioned in one of the first episodes, had me do an exercise on 10 things I liked about myself. And so many personal development books and leaders will tell you to do things similar to this, like keep track of accomplishments that you were really proud of. These can be really great tools to build your self-worth, to remind yourself that you are awesome and have done amazing, amazing things. Something that I find so funny about these exercises is that they are incredibly difficult for me. I know when I got that assignment from Ron, I procrastinated until the last minute because it made me feel so uncomfortable and stressful, and I just couldn't think of 10 things that I liked about myself, and it was such a struggle. And something that I have reflected on and found is that anything big I've accomplished or something important or exciting, or maybe attributes about myself that I really do like, or are unique; I don't give myself credit for any of that. Or if I do, I give myself credit for these things, and then promptly forget about it within ten minutes, metaphorically speaking. But seriously, it's like, I can't remember the amazing things about myself.

I can, however, remember every failure, no matter how small. I think that sometimes accomplishments or our unique features, our assets, can become really normalized. Like, Oh, well, that's just me. So typical that I do a really great job at this; it just becomes so normal, that when you do things that seem easy to you, because you're great at them, you devalue yourself and what you bring to the table. And honestly, we all have got to stop doing that. Let's take another example of this. Think about what happens when people compliment you. Do you really take it in or do you get uncomfortable and diminish it?

I got an email the other day of someone thanking me for working with them. I read about one sentence and then I just shut it, filed it away. And I caught myself and was like; how can I not even receive, like, someone has taken the time to write a really nice note about how they value me, and I'm so uncomfortable with receiving this, like, acknowledgement of myself, that I can't even read it. I mean, that's wild. We have got to get more comfortable with loving on ourselves and appreciating ourselves, and really recognizing our value, and being proud of and conscious of what we bring to the table. So, mental note; to build your self-worth, when the universe is mirroring back to you value and appreciation in the form of compliments or external validation from others, except it… bask in the glory of the amazingness that you are.

(08:49)

As you are practicing, building your self-worth, you're going to get to practice something else related to boundaries. And that is answering the question; when is it time to leave? When is it time to let go of relationships and situations that are no longer serving you? I was talking to one of my friends other week and he was reflecting on one of the first jobs that he had coming out of school, and how he eventually left this company that he was working for, because no matter how much additional education he got or how he moved up in the ranks, they never saw him as anything other than that low entry job that he started with. So, he had leveled-up and become an expert in the field, but nobody could see it. This is something that really resonated with me, because I feel like it happens to me a lot. I will outgrow situations because the people i'm working with can no longer see me as anything more than the data analysts they hired a few years ago, or as that insecure girl that they used to teach or who used to work in their office.

And it didn't matter how much I had grown or changed, they just had this vision of me and my capabilities, and my personality in their mind. And I can tell you that when I finally would get up the courage to assert myself, it would kind of wreak havoc on these relationships. People were so used to bossing me around and telling me what to do, and not expecting a lot of pushback, that when I finally did push back and assert my needs, and my value… that was unexpected and difficult. This was definitely, you know, one of my earlier but perpetual Graceful Rulebreaking phases… is conflicts that would arise in the workplace because I allowed myself to get pushed around, because I didn't really value myself. And then one day, I flipped the switch… after a lot of work to allow me to flip the switch, and did value myself and not everyone else could make that adjustment really quickly.

(11:09)

When you are making these tough choices, when you are asking for more and leaving bad situations; it is totally normal for doubt to come up. So, when this happens, you have to practice and just relentlessly do things like make these lists of 10 things you like about yourself or of your accomplishments, to just keep proving to yourself again and again that you are inherently worthy of whatever it is you desire. And really you have to believe this, so relentlessly, so deep, so true to your core, that no matter what anyone else says, what criticism they have, no matter what they say to devalue you; you let it roll off. Maybe not immediately because words hurt, but you can take it in and you can just let it go.

When you start to actively assert your worth, you are going to see changes in your life. And at first the changes could be empty space. When you get rid of things that no longer serve you, sometimes there's a void and that can be uncomfortable to sit with, but take it from me; It really pays off in the long run and you might see immediately, but definitely eventually, just really positive changes about the types of people and opportunities that you are attracted to your life, that reflect high value. Recognizing your self-worth and asserting your value, builds confidence. And it also makes you a heck of a lot happier, not to mention when you're able to validate yourself and keep going when things get difficult, and really just trust in your innate incredible power; you are able to persist and make those amazing changes in the world, that you want to make.

(13:01)

The last thing I want to talk about in today's episode is showing appreciation to others. I really feel like I can't talk about value and worth without talking about this piece, because as someone who has been in countless relationships where I don't feel valued, this is something I feel really strongly about. I don't believe that we should go looking for external validation. I think instead as I've talked about a lot this episode, we should practice validating ourselves. But at the same time, I know in my life and my business, I always try really hard to express appreciation for the value that others bring to the table. I like people to know that they're worthy and deserving, and awesome. And I think we could all be doing more of just being freely and openly appreciative of others, as someone who knows what it feels like to really feel like you don't matter. And to get into these dark places because no one ever says; hey, thank you. Or, hey, your work is important. Or, hey, you're really great at this and it's so helpful to us, thank you. Because I don't tend to hear those things very often, which obviously signals that I need to be working on myself, so that the world can mirror more of those good things back to me. But I know that I don't always have the tools to tell myself and convince myself that I'm valued and worthy, and that's while we work on building those muscles. But that doesn't mean that society couldn't help us out. Sometimes it's nice to hear it from others and hearing these little words of gratitude and appreciation from others, can really support you during these challenging times. We could all use a little word of encouragement and praise now and again, and yes, ideally it will come from ourselves, but I think society could ship it.

And so I'm really committed to spreading this message of just more freely appreciating other people and expressing your gratitude for them. I say, I appreciate you in a lot of emails and text messages, and voice messages, and people might find it cheesy or corny, or maybe even inauthentic. But I mean it, every time I say it, I mean it and when I say it, I'd say it because I'm thinking; I see you as a human and I appreciate what you were doing right now to support me. That means something to me, and I want you to know that, so that if you are in a dark space now, or in the future you're in a dark space, you know that what you are doing, it matters to me. I mean, who wouldn't want to see a world where we do more appreciating and lifting each other up.

(16:02)

So, to wrap things up; spend some time this week, thinking about value. What are the mirrors in your life telling you.How are you working to build and assert your self-worth? And lastly, who and what are you appreciating out loud? Thank you for listening. I appreciate you being here. It is making one of my dreams come true and I don't take that lightly to sign off. I'll leave you with this. You matter. You are worthy. You are so valuable and have so much to offer this world. Appreciate yourself and appreciate others. It's going to make the world a better place.