Season 2: Ep.09 - On Perfectionism (Again)

(0:28)

Hello, and welcome back to Graceful Rulebreakers. I'm your host, Kirsten Lee Hill, and I feel like I'm failing. I feel like I'm failing. And I try not to stress about it or overthink it, and I try to take my own advice, or the advice that I would give a friend who felt like they were failing. And I try to remind myself of how I define success, what success means to me. And none of those things have really helped. I still feel like I'm failing.

(1:19)

When I say I feel like I'm failing, what do I mean? I am burnt out. Just exhausted. I feel so tired all the time. Tired of fighting, tired of stressing out about my bills, tired of worrying that I'm not good enough, that I'm not smart enough, that I'm not interesting enough. This is like this lifelong battle that I have to feel like I am enough, to feel like I am worthy of everything that I want. And it's tricky, because on the one hand, I can intellectually tell myself, yes, I am enough. Yes, of course I deserve to have the life that I want to live. But on a deeper emotional level, I don't 100% believe that it's true.

(2:26)

I am what I like to call, I didn't invent this term I learned it from someone else years ago, I am a recovering perfectionist. Which means I tend towards being a perfectionist and just thinking everything has to be perfect. Go figure, right? Everything has to be perfect. I want to be the best, I want to do the best, I want to have everything be really high quality, really thoughtful, really clear, really precise. And it's not because I'm competitive with other people, because I'm not, I don't really care that much about what other people are doing. I'm competitive with myself. And if it's not my best work or if there is a flaw and I feel like there is something wrong with me as a person. And I've been this way since I was a kid, I was a perfectionist as a kid, I remember being upset over not getting you know an A+, an A wasn't good enough, I didn't get 100% this was like, I would cry over this, y'all if I gotta B, you can't even imagine the tears. There weren't that many B in my life. But when there were, it was just devastating that I wasn't perfect.

(3:46)

And as a business owner, as someone who's gone out on her own and pursued a path that is very different than the path that was laid out for me, I feel this pressure to always be on and always doing a good job, and always make an episode that's inspiring and don't be too negative or too dark, or don't share that you doubt yourself, like, show up and be better, right? Be perfect, or if you're going to be flawed, be flawed and like you're really accessible down to earth way so that people like you more, right? It's so much, it's so much, oh my gosh it is.

(4:30)

It makes me freeze, like my chest is tight even just talking about this, because it is stressful and it's a lot to carry. And today when I was thinking about this episode, I was like… gosh, I feel like you're talking about this same thing in every episode, Kirsten, like, burnout, we get it, being a control freak, we get it, perfectionism, we get it, and just, you know editing every thought or thing that comes out of my head, which I also think I've done an episode on this season, right? And it's this inner critic that is really coming out for me, and it's tough. It's really, it's tough to keep creating in that space. And it feels, it feels like I'm failing.

(5:23)

I find myself on Instagram and LinkedIn, mostly Instagram and LinkedIn, looking at people I perceive as more successful than me and wondering, what am I missing? What don't I have, right? And I think through the things that I do, and I am not lazy, you know, I get up and show up, and do my work, and I pour myself into thinking about being creative, and how can I show up in the world? And how can I help the world and it's so important to me, and I try to live authentically and all these things are really important to me, I don't feel like there are things that I quote unquote, should be doing that I'm not. And so it just leaves me with this thought that maybe you don't deserve success. Maybe you're not important, or special, and maybe all these people that you're looking at whose businesses are booming and growing, and they're doing books, and they're launching courses, and you know, all these great things are happening to them. And it's not that I'm not happy for them, because I totally am. But I think maybe it's because they're, they're special and people like them better, right? And that's just not something that's available to me.

(6:46)

These are the stories that I tell myself, and I imagine they might be stories that you tell yourself to. And as I tried to make sense of all this, I just keep thinking that, thinking, hoping, hoping that this is true, that when you are here to change the world and doing things that are so differently than whatever, what other people have done, what has gone before, you're you're gracefully breaking rules, right? You're not stepping into the status quo, you're trying to change the status quo. I think that we can all acknowledge that it is difficult. And it's probably not an overnight success story, many things are not overnight success stories, even when they look like they are but it's difficult. And it's normal to feel doubt. And it's normal to feel like you're not deserving. And I think particularly when you are in these spaces, and really pushing boundaries, and you just have been more radical in your thinking, it really isn't that strange that you might not get a lot of positive feedback or attention because you're doing something that's so different. And that's scary, that can be scary and triggering to other people. Or it could be an idea that's so new and cutting edge that people don't really realise it's a great idea yet, right?

(8:26)

Yet, is the key, right? They haven't yet. And just because the masses haven't realised the potential of what you're doing yet, or, you know, the world hasn't had an epic transformation that you've been part of yet, doesn't mean that it's not affecting anyone. And it doesn't mean that that work isn't important. And so if I can offer some advice to you and also to myself, I'm like repeatedly offering advice to myself. It would be to focus on your wins and focus on the people who your message does resonate with, don't stress about it if it's only one or two people, right? Feel amplified and excited by their excitement, and focus on those small wins. And remember that there are often many quiet observers of your work. And so when it feels like you are speaking into a void, you probably aren't. I don't want to say you definitely aren't because I don't know, right? I could be speaking into a void right now for all I know, right? But you probably aren't, there are people quietly… listen and consume and for whatever reason, maybe it's where they're at in their life. Maybe it's their personal style of social interaction, whatever, they don't say anything. And that's okay.

(10:07)

I was talking to a woman in my building a couple nights ago. And I'm really excited because I think we're going to start a little, like, entrepreneur get together, which would just be amazing to have community. And I was talking about how I feel like I'm always playing the long game. And it's hard to remember that you're playing the long game when the short game is right in front of you. And it doesn't feel like the short game is going real well, right? But many of my biggest clients, the most exciting projects that I've worked with people on, have been years in the making. We're talking like, a cup of coffee, iced coffee for me that I got in 2016 turns into a project in 2018, right? That's some long game stuff. There's a product I'm working on now, that really started with a relationship back in 2012. It's 2021. Like, that's playing the long game, right? And I have to do a lot of reframing, that the work I am doing now might not seem to have this like immediate payoff or instant gratification, externally, right? On all these external measures that seem like they're so important, like, the likes and the shares. And you know, why isn't the New York Times calling me to ask about my opinion of research, you know, just all these things that would be super cool if they happened, suddenly my measurement reels or TikToks went viral, right? Great. But just because it's not happening now doesn't mean that those things don't matter, or that they're not moving me in the right direction. And to me, that's that perfectionisty piece that says, if you were doing it better, it would be happening now. And I'm really trying to, like, disentangle that notion. If I was doing it better, I am doing the best I can, step one, except that and if I was doing it better, the same thing could be happening right now. It's like uncoupling those ideas and accepting that you're doing the best you can in the moment, and trusting that it is building towards something bigger.

(12:34)

And all you can do is think about how you show up now and be intentional, intentionable, intentional about how you create and how you show up and trust that it is enough. We have to really have faith in our power to create change in our power, to make the world a better place and faith that everything will work out how it is supposed to, and trust that. And I think that that is difficult. And in my head, sometimes it gets reframed as, yeah, everything will work out if, like, you do better at this. And I don't think that is the point, right? I am trying very hard, which you know, that should be my signal right now that I'm not doing the right thing, because if you're trying really hard, you are exhibiting control, which is not let go or be dragged, right? It's not going to help. So, what I would like to do, an offer to you is when you are caught in these traps of feeling like you're not good enough, or not worthy or just failing at life, instead of working to ramp things up and be better, instead take a deep breath, take a pause and step back, right? Reset, give your head some space, give it some space to work out what really matters to you, and to reflect on what's working and what's not working, just space to breathe and find clarity.

(14:43)

And I would also give you space to give yourself space to talk and process all these things that come up, right? You know, things like perfectionism or feeling that we're not worth, having power over us because they can make us feel embarrassed or ashamed, or like, we're gonna get found out, or if we told people this, then they're definitely not going to want to work with us because they're going to want to work with someone more competent, and I can't be saying, you know, I have all these struggles, right? That gives these emotions, these thoughts, so much power over your life. And instead, if you can talk about them and be transparent, and honour that in you, I believe you'll feel more free. I know it's helping me to be more free to just talk about it. I'm so tired of pretending like everything is going great all the time, or like selectively picking out hardship stories to share. It's like sometimes you go through seasons where there are a lot of difficult things to process, and I know right now I'm processing some things that I can't even legally talk about right now, right? Like I just, there's so much going on, we always really only see the tip of the iceberg with people. And I think the more we can be transparent, it will be better for ourselves and better for others to hopefully inspire them to investigate and accept their feelings as well.

(16:29)

And the last thing I want to say on this is, I often have this idea in my head that in some sense, I am waiting around, actively waiting, right? Because I'm doing all things but I'm waiting for someone to come in and say, Oh, my gosh, Kirsten, you are brilliant, allow me to give you this platform, have the stage, have this abundance of resources, let me give you all of this power to change the world, right? Like, I'm just waiting, it's kind of like I'm waiting to be discovered, right? And I will tell you, if there is one thing that I know as a Graceful Rulebreaker, it is the lesson is to do that for yourself. And maybe in doing it for yourself, your message will be amplified by others. And that will be wonderful and great, and you can enjoy that. But the lesson that I am in, and that I grapple with, is the lesson that because I think differently, because I do things differently, because I have a different vision than is the mainstream. It's on me to create that stage and that platform, and it's on me to value my voice and what I have to say, and to define my values and show up and live by them authentically. And someone is not necessarily just going to pass me the mic, right? I have to bring my own mic and create my own setup. And that's something to me that is scary, because again, as a recovering perfectionist, this external validation, someone telling you're good enough, someone hyping you up and be like, yes, this is perfect, go do this, is a really great feeling. And it's also a feeling that we can create for ourselves. And of course, we can surround ourselves with other people to support us and hype us up as well on our journey. I think that's incredible. And something I definitely want to try to do more of and I think could be really beneficial. But I also just, this wait to be discovered or holding back a little bit because no one's, you know, saying you deserve this, I don't think it's going to serve you. It's not going to serve me and I don't think it's going to serve the world.

(19:25)

This made me think of this anecdote, I don't think I've shared this before. But when I was a senior in high school, I won an award for outstanding communication art student. And I wasn't originally nominated for the award, which hurt my feelings because I felt like I was a really great writer, and I was one of the yearbook editors and I loved writing and I was like, wow, I can't believe no one thought of me with this award. But you could nominate yourself and so I did. I nominated myself and I won. And when I won, I remember thinking that because I had nominated myself, it's like, almost like the win wasn't as good or meaningful because I had to tell people that I deserved it. And that made me feel bad about myself. Like, shouldn't people just realise that I'm great on their own, like, I have to tell them that I think I'm great. And it was just this early version of this lesson for me, there was one earlier where I ran for student council president and then lost because I didn't vote for myself, because I didn't think it was right to vote for yourself again, right? Wanting everyone else to tell me I'm great or I deserve something but not being willing to step up and tell myself that and own that. And I think there's a lesson in there somewhere about bringing our own mic, feeling that we deserve something, owning that we deserve it. And it's not any less meaningful that you built the dang stage yourself, then if someone were to hand it to you, it's not, right? If anything, it can be more powerful, because it shows that you have recognized your brilliance and what you can bring to the table, and you really worked for it even when it was hard.

(21:36)

So, I don't know y'all, July… is just a lot going on, I'm showing up as the best human I can right now. And I hope some of this resonated with you. I'm trying something different with my podcast, trying to be a little less, not a little less scripted, I'm trying to be completely unscripted and less controlling. And I don't know how it's going or how it's gonna go. I'm gonna ask some people, if you hear this, and you want to tell me how it's going, I would love to hear from you. But, let's do this, right? Keep going. You're doing amazing. Keep showing up and do what you need to do to reset and take space so that you can work that muscle of believing in yourself. I am going to go to the pool and just sit outside, so it's evening time. So, this is like a sunbathing pool situation. But I'm going to go to the pool and sit outside and I am going to read this book that I have on burnout and just try to reset a little bit. Just try to reset and try to let go. And I encourage you to do whatever your version of that is. Thanks so much for listening.