Season 2: Episode 16 - On Authenticity (& confidence)

(0:28)

Hello and welcome back to Graceful Rulebreakers. I'm your host, Kirsten Lee Hill. And today is an exciting and also a little bit, like, scary, nerve racking episode. It's the first episode ever that I am recording audio and video. If you've been keeping up with the podcast, you know there are no videos. And the truth is, is it's been recommended to me like many times to do video, and I haven't want to, I haven't wanted to do video because truthfully, I'm kind of insecure about it, I don't even know if I need the qualifier 'kind of' on it, like video makes me feel very vulnerable. And when I think about my podcast I'm like, okay, like, when I record my podcast, I'm in my bedroom, because it's like the quietest part of my house. And it's usually at the end of the day, usually the day has felt long and the week has felt long, and I was like, the first thing I thought was like, gosh, like I always just look so tired, like I look tired and I don't want to have to go get like, all done up and put on like real clothes and put on makeup and do my hair and like have to like present this like professional, quote unquote 'professional' vision, image of myself to do my podcast because that makes the podcast more stressful and less fun for me. And my whole thing with this podcast was I want to be able to share authentically and you know, share my story and talk to other people about their stories and they didn't want image to really play into it.

(2:15)

And at the same time, what I've been holding in tension is that I do think it's important to show up authentically as yourself and to be honest and raw, and vulnerable, and I think that creates space and inspiration, and the feeling of just like okayness for other people to do the same thing. And I will, like, again out myself as a huge fan of TikTok, one of the things I love about TikTok is that there are many people who just show up on that platform as themselves. Like, they are being who they are and it's really cool, and I see it inspiring other people to show up and be who they are, and just like own themselves and love themselves, and so like think about how much I value that and then I think about how much I don't want to be on video because I feel insecure or they'll have to like do certain things to make myself worthy of being on video. And so when I went to sit down and record my podcast episode today I was like you know what, we value doing things that feel hard and that feel scary, I speak in the Royal we a lot as an aside which I don't know where I picked that up, so we, Kirsten, I, Kirsten, by we I mean myself, I value doing things that are hard and you know confronting my fear so I'm giving this a go so if you are watching this on video welcome to my home.

(3:46)

I also want to introduce you to Calix because you can see his sad… I'm using the adage of sad I don't need to, his very useful cone is really bad. allergies and his paws are just like destroyed lately so he is a daytime cone wear and to the evening we transition to a lovely pair of socks because he sleeps in bed with me, this is our bed and talk about like transparent and unprofessional I feel like my mom's gonna be like oh my gosh, what is she doing? But he sleeps in bed with me and the cone is just like a nuisance and so we have lovely socks now for that. Welcome to my life.

(4:34)

But anyways as I'm trying this on video and just gonna breathe through the awkwardness, I think a lot of us have probably felt this awkwardness as we moved to having meetings on zoom where like, there's a little box so you can see your face the whole time, and I'm like, Oh, that's what I look like. Oh, like I make that face, like, oh my gosh, that angle is so bad or like questioning my choice. Like, would it be, would I feel better if I wore makeup, or like, why did I wear that? And it just, like, creates all of this insecurity and self-reflection for me when I'm on zoom, and also now I'm recording this podcast, so here we are, but what I wanted to talk about today was, you know, insecurity and showing up as yourself. And that in the context of your business or your personal brand, right? Because even if you aren't operating a business right now, in some sense, I think we all have a personal brand and that's, like, how we show up and present to the world. And on the one hand, I find it really empowering and like, cool, like, I have a brand, like, I stand for something, I have values I have, like, I mean, for my business, like I have, like colours, and I have, like, you know, words that I associate with my brand and like a vibe I'm trying to go for. And to me because I like to be creative, that's really fun and empowering, and at the same time, you know, coming from a background of being a huge perfectionist, it's also a little bit stressful because my brand really values authenticity and transparency. And, it's okay buddy…Fireworks still, it's like, what, September and we still have fireworks.

(6:34)

But my brand is authenticity, transparency. He's okay, don't worry, scary noises sometimes. But if you're gonna value authenticity and transparency, and vulnerability, then how, at the same time, you know, can you want to hide or like present as something that's not yourself, like, for me to be like, vulnerable, but like fake vulnerable, you don't mean? Or, like, show up authentically but I'm actually spending like an hour trying to make myself look a certain way in order to show up, because I want to be authentic but in that cute presentable way, authentic. Not like this is literally just like who I am, how I look most of the time. And so I've just been, I've just been thinking about that and I think about social media and how there's, a lot of people say it about the highlight reels like Instagrams a highlight reel, Facebook, is anyone still on facebook? Facebook is the highlight reel, and then TikTok is raw and vulnerable and like people are just being themselves and I will honestly say that hands down my favourite platform for social media is TikTok because it inspires me to just see people living, what I assumed to be, there like real authentic lives, like people just, like, jumping on first thing in the morning and like sharing a story and just like being raw and authentic. And that really resonates with me, and I love it because when I see other people being raw and authentic and embracing themselves and their like perceived flaws, whatever it is, it makes me feel like, oh, I can do that too. I can do that too. Like, sorry for the shaky camera guys, we are recording on a mobile platform.

(8:38)

Like, I can do that too. I can be raw and vulnerable and I can embrace my flaws. And as someone who has struggled with perfectionism, and has a tonne of insecurity now, like, I just the small part I can play in normalising that, I want to play because I have come a long way in terms of confidence. But there are areas in my life, including showing up on video, like, even if that sounds silly, but there are areas of my life where I am still deeply insecure. And I still have that critic, that mean voice in my head that says mean things to me. And that, it's a struggle. It's ongoing. And I don't know, for me, like, there hasn't been any level of success or meditating, or journaling, or coaching, or therapy that has taken that voice away. Like, that was quiet that voice in my head, but it has allowed me to just kind of accept it and do the hard things anyways. And what I think is important for us to consider when we're building our brands and making decisions about how we show up in the world and present in the world, is to like, think about what is, what is true to ourselves, right? I think it used to be in marketing and in social media, and definitely like advice I've been given is like, you construct this persona and like, that is how you show up. And I think there are a lot of, like, rules about what is professional, and advice or rules on what people like or what people want to see. And there's like pressure to do that, and to show up in these ways.

(10:37)

And I'm not a fan, candidly, I'm not a fan. Obviously, a Graceful Rulebreaker here, I don't like following those rules, even down to the point where there's this like, super common advice that's like, think of your ideal client, and like what your ideal client would like to hear. And I honestly don't even really like that advice, right? Because whenever I'm creating content, or presenting something for my business, I'm not thinking about what people want to hear, like, I'm trying to be as accessible as possible, right? So, that I can reach people and hopefully, support people, help people in some small way by sharing my story. But what I'm really trying to get clear on is, what is my truth, right? Like, and I'm sharing my truth, in hopes of serving a higher purpose. And my truth isn't something that I'm packaging for other people so that it resonates with them or so that they think I'm cool. It's like just actually this process of deconstructing and stripping everything down, to just share my truth, to just be me, and to really tune in and figure out like, who am I? What resonates with me? Like, what actually is my brand? How do I want to show up in the world, when I'm showing up as my best self? Not, how do I want to show up in the world so I look good? Or how do I show up in the world so that I look like an expert? I don't like those questions. Because to me, our goal should be to show up in the world as ourselves, and to lead by example, and to lead with this transparency, rawness, authenticity of just like, this is who I am, I'm owning my purpose, I'm showing up as who I am. And that creates space and inspiration for other people to do the same thing. And then we can all change the world and make it better by, you know, being in our magic and doing what we can… just like, serving the world in a way that is aligned with our true selves, if that makes sense? See, I looked myself in the eye in the camera that was, like, doubt what you say right now.

(13:09)

And when I think about my personal brand again, like authenticity, transparency, all these things are really important to me. So, I try to like walk that walk and own that. And I want to add that I don't think that means you can't have like, really nice photos of you, like really nice photos so that you can't have, I don't know, like a great aesthetics or like whatever it is that is true to you, right? It's not like, raw always has to mean, you know messy or disorganised, or not thought out, like, to me raw is just, like, this is just true, I'm not censoring it, I'm not pretending to be happy when I am not happy. I'm not pretending like I have it all together, when I don't have it all together, I am just showing up as a human. And I think that's what's amazing about this era that we're living in is that, like, all of us small business owners, it's like we're all humans, we're all in this human experience, and we're learning and we're doing our best, and we're growing but like we are humans like, yes, in some sense, like, I am a business, I'm a business. But I'm also a human, and I'm a human first. And I think that realness is important and it's meaningful. And I know that it definitely when I see it and other people, it makes me want to be around those people or to work with those people because I feel that sense of connection. And I think that when we again, like peel back these layers, strip down these walls that we've built in order to fit in in society or be more palatable in society, or just like walls that we've unintentionally built or like masks we put on, and, intentionally or not in order to, like, fit in or feel confident. I think when we take all that away, that's when we can really light up the world and really open ourselves up to opportunities that feel good and are exciting to us. Because we're just being, we're just, because we are being ourselves, whoever that is, like, if you love to get really dressed up every day or sometimes, you know, then great, like, that's who you are, like, you can be all done up all the time and that can be fine. Or you can just be ourselves.

(16:05)

And learning to love ourselves as we are without all of the other stuff or without trying to, keep thinking of the word, like, capitulate without like, forcing ourselves into these boxes, or standards, or beliefs, expectations that society has of us. And I think with that comes being ready for and open to criticism, like, that, it happens and that like scares me, that's actually, like, one of my top like, YouTube fears is that, like, people comment on YouTube videos, like, in a way that you don't comment on podcasts necessarily. And I'm like, oh my gosh, people are gonna say something mean, it's gonna, like, hurt my feelings. And it's just, like, it's this whole thing and I think, like, social media in general puts us in this position of having fear of what we put out because of what the feedback is going to be on it. And I think, then the concern of like, one, what if I can't handle the feedback? What if I can't handle the criticism? What if it just, it really hurts me, like, deeply? You know, like, what if I can't handle those feelings? And to which I, like, totally just lost my train of thought. I'm hoping I'll get better at this if we keep trying this experiment. But the fear of myself not being able to handle the comments and the feedback is definitely, like, one of my big stressors. And the other one is the, like feedback, especially in like, the professional space of like, me not being a professional, kind of, like, I don't know, when I was in college, it's like, your Facebook was set to private because you don't want employers to see like who you are as a human, because you might have been doing things that were like, not professional. And I think about this a lot as someone who owns a business and loves to wear jeans, like jean shorts and tank tops and just be kind of like, relaxed.

(18:13)

And, you know, it's just, I think like, oh, like, am I not a professional because I want to do this meeting in jean shorts and a tank top? It feels like I'm not because that's what I've been told by society, and then that makes me nervous about, like, my brand. And my whole authentic self should, like, would show up like this, and this just like, is who I am. Is that okay? Or do I need to do something different in order to still fit into societal standards? And it's hard to unpack all that. And it's also hard from like, the standpoint of, like, I can't imagine when I had a traditional job like a hot second, I mean, obviously, like, I cannot imagine I would have ever felt comfortable walking to the office and like jean shorts and a tank top, even knowing that, like, what I wear has no effect whatsoever on my competency or anything, like, that would have been unprofessional. And so now is it in my own home running my own business, is it unprofessional to just show up? How I, how I show up, how I feel. And I think it's not, I think it's not, I think we need to do some redefining of professional, and I think there are probably some, I don't know if there are any good dress code rules, y'all. I feel like that, I know this is like a little bit of a tangent, but like branding and showing up, you know, online, social media is so like visual and like aesthetic, and just like really bring me back to high school were like we couldn't, like, your shorts had to be down to your fingertips, like, you couldn't have your collarbone showing and you couldn't have, like, there were just so many rules about, like, what is and what isn't appropriate, and I feel like I'm doing a lot of like unlearning, and just deciding, like where I, where I come in on these things as a human.

(20:07)

And I will say like, I have the privilege of doing that, because I own my own business. And I know that not everyone else is in that same position. And I also think this is why it's important to have these conversations about who you really are, like, there's some quote, and I don't, I don't know who it's attributed to, if I figure it out, I'll put it in the show notes. But what if it's like, who were you before, like, the world told you who to be? Like, who are we in our core, and like getting comfortable with showing up in that way that feels good and aligned to us, because I feel in my heart, if I get to show up in a way where I feel really comfortable, and I feel really confident, and I just like, get to show up and shine in my own way and I don't have to worry about how I'm presenting or how I'm doing all these other things, I think the world would be better served by that, than if I'm playing this role, or you know, contorting myself to fit in this box how everyone else thinks, you know, I should be as a professional.

(21:17)

And so in summation, feeling a little insecure about this episode, the video really y'all, is like a whole different, it's hard not to, like, look at myself and to just like, be comfortable with like, seeing me. And I actually think this is really, this is gonna be my summation lesson. I've talked about Louise Hay on here before, Louise Hay has a whole book on mirror work. And it's the idea of standing in front of yourself in the mirror and telling yourself like, I love you, you're great, I love you, you're amazing. Just like talking to yourself and getting comfortable with yourself. And I think, to me, this is like, definitely my biggest personal takeaway is, wow, I really need to get more comfortable with like, this is who I am like, this is how I look, this is how I talk, this is how I, you know gesticulate,  this is how I move my hands around, this is how I laugh, like, getting really comfortable, like, this is who I am. And this is, like, what I feel I'm at my best. And, you know, these choices feel good and aligned to me, and like these things don't and just like owning that and being okay with that. Because when we get to that point of just loving ourselves, we will be confident and we will feel strong, and we will trust our judgement more than we do now because we will just have that, like, faith and that really strong relationship with ourselves, and I think that that's a really beautiful thing to aspire to, and something I'm certainly going to continue working on but definitely work on much more mindfully.

(23:13)

And so, you know, don't let fear hold you back, be vulnerable and transparent to the extent that you feel comfortable or the extent to which you are comfortable with the discomfort, and know that when you show up just as yourself, as your whole human being, you're giving others permission to do the same thing. And trying towards you the people who are connected and like vibe with your life in your essence. And I think that's really amazing. And thank you for going on this journey with me today. I mean so much more deeply appreciate it, and I will be back with a new episode next week.