Season 1: Ep. 23 On Expectations

(00:21)

Hello, and welcome back to Graceful Rulebreakers. I'm your host Kirsten Lee Hill. Happy 2021 y'all. Something that's hit me really hard this new year, really every January but I'm feeling much more introspective about it this year, is comparison. And that's what I want to talk about today, comparison, really like expectations and the boxes that we try to force ourselves into to be quote unquote, 'better version of ourselves.' It feels like everywhere I turn on social media these days, I am met with an onslaught of posts about big realizations or healthy new diets, or exercise kicks, amazing resolutions, a new launch, unprecedented business growth, all these really amazing things that are happening to other people, or you know, inspired pre-commitments that other people are making to life and to healthy habits. And part of me is really excited for everyone like… wow, I'm so impressed, inspired, and just applaud all that you're doing. And another part of me gets really triggered. There's this voice in my head that starts to go… Oh, well, Hey Kirsten, uh, why aren't you doing that great? Like, you're struggling to exercise, you're eating way too much takeout, your last quarter in business wasn't really that great… I won't go on because I'm sure you get the idea. I'm comparing myself to someone else, I'm feeling bad about it and I'm wondering why can't I be like that? Should I be like that? Is something wrong with me?

(02:13)

For me, comparison boils down to one thing; I don't feel good enough. I'm suddenly getting the urge to force myself into this model of another human that I see on the internet. I think this is pretty common, especially in this day and age of social media, and especially when you're forging your own path because you see someone else's path and you're like… Hey, that path looks nice. They look happy and fulfilled. They are thriving. Get me over there! I want that path! Here's the thing, well, two things; one, that path may or may not be as great and easy, and glamorous as it looks online. You know, we may never know the true behind the scenes, unfiltered situation of the people we idolize. And two, you like me, are here to forge your own path and make your own rules, and redefine expectations. And that means it's not doing anyone, especially you, any good to keep comparing yourself to someone else.

(03:22)

And I say that as much for you as I say it for myself. Beating myself up over not being someone else, or not having what someone else has, or not doing what someone else does, doesn't help me move forward. What does help me move forward in life and towards my goals and purpose, is tapping into my authentic self and getting in touch with what feels like me. Don't waste time trying to be someone else, you're you. That's great. Feel inspired and grateful, and reflect on what you really want in your life and how you really want to show up in your life. When I find myself comparing myself to someone else, the first thing I do is ask if I really want the thing that I'm looking at. For example, dieting. Argh, I will say it again… argh, new year, new commitment to health, which if that's what you want, yay, go you, noble effort. It's important to be healthy. I tell you, I see people glowing about new vegan diets and exercise plans, and I say this as someone who was vegan and very devoted to rigorous exercise for a good six years. And I look at this picture and I ask myself, do I really want to meal prep? Do I really want to juice? Do I really want to work out that much? Like I'm feeling jealous of this tiny square on the internet, but do I really want the thing I'm looking at? And the answer for me is heck no.

(05:04)

I sometimes, like, want to want those things, but that's just like me trying to put myself into another box that I think is better, right? For me, I like indulging. I like champagne and French fries. I like cookies. I'm in the South again, I'm really loving biscuits. I don't want to give up those things. I don't want to feel deprivation. I don't want to force myself to eat or move my body in a way that doesn't feel good. And so, when I look at these pictures on the internet, these resolutions that I'm seeing, what I reframe it is, do I want what's in the picture, right? No. What I really want is like the essence that's coming through and it's like to feel good about myself. I want to feel good about myself. So what can I do that would make me feel good? And realizing that I don't have to follow someone else's plan that has gotten them to feeling good, I can make my own plan. I'm my own authority. I get to choose the expectations to define my life, which is amazing, right?

So, how do you think about setting your own expectations for life, for any area of your life? Not comparing and borrowing someone else's, but how do you think about living life on your own terms? How do you figure out what those terms are? Like I just said a minute ago, and also like I talked about in the goal setting episode last week, it's this process of using your experiences and reactions to others to tap into what it really is that you're after, how you want to feel and what activities and choices are in alignment with that feeling.

(07:03)

So, I'm feeling called to share another example, a little heavy on the storytelling this episode but I am going to go with it because that's being authentic. So I finished my yoga teacher training about three years ago. I like cringe, just thinking that was three years ago, which at a moment you will see why. And when I finished my 200 hour adult training, which I did right after doing training for children's and teens, and trauma informed yoga, I was so burnt out on yoga. Honestly, I kind of hated it. And the training I went through was amazing and the people were amazing, and I love them, and I'm so grateful for the experience. But I got to say, when I finished that certification, I completely stopped practicing yoga. I still taught and loved teaching, but that eventually tapered off as well. But I just didn't practice for a very long time because it didn't feel good anymore.

(08:02)

I got certified in a type of power yoga, and in hindsight there were a lot of rules and routine, and it just didn't vibe with me. It was very scripted, which in some ways was, like, nice because it was like a routine, and I knew what was happening and how to do it. But it just, like… I'm a Graceful Rulebreaker, right? Like at some point I don't want the routine. And so I stopped practicing. I just resisted and was like, I'm over it. I hate this. I can't do it anymore. And I didn't make that choice and feel great about it. Instead, I spent a lot of time really beating myself up for not loving yoga anymore, and comparing myself to everyone else in my cohort and yogis online, and feeling like… Oh my God, what is wrong with me? Why don't I love this? Why am I not a rockstar yoga teacher right now? Why am I not even a rockstar at practicing yoga right now? I felt like there was this one yoga teacher box and I couldn't get myself to fit in it, and so I walked away.

(09:15)

Comparison and not feeling good enough, and the mindset that if I didn't fit the mold, and if I couldn't do the rules, and if I couldn't be perfect at it, and look how I thought a yogi should look, and talk how I thought a yogi should talk, and get invited to teach cool classes, and be jazzed to practice all the time, and live super healthy, and like insert any other stereotypical yoga perceptions here. I felt like if I didn't have all those things, like, forget it. Comparison and not feeling good enough, and the mindset that if I didn't fit the mold, it wasn't for me, effectively killed my yoga practice.

And so last month I realized my certification was basically going to be out of date, unless I did some continuing education. And I agonized over whether or not I could let it go. Part of me was like, guess I failed. Didn't make it as a yoga instructor. Couldn't hack it. Didn't have the discipline. You know, you didn't really ever fit that box, what were you thinking? And part of me was like… Oh, but I used to love yoga. Yoga was such a big part of my life. It absolutely saved me in graduate school. I think it's a beautiful tool. It means so much to me, like, am I really ready to give up something that I committed so much time to and worked so hard for? And then I had this realization. I'm a Graceful Rulebreaker, not just in research, not just in education, not just when it's convenient, like, that is who I am. Why am I getting so caught up on my perception of the yoga status quo? Why am I letting rules and restrictions ruin something that I love? And so I decided two things and decided one, I would start my 500 hour yoga teacher training. And two, I would practice yoga on my own terms, which meant I needed to tap into what felt good to me. Not some grand plan that someone else made, no more like the status quo, stereotype things. I needed to make my own path and work towards becoming the type of teacher that I want to be. And so I asked myself, when did I love yoga the most? And for me, this was such an easy question and I just, I still laugh a little bit thinking about it. But when I first started practicing yoga to be more centered and destress, and just like save my brain during graduate school, I purchased a digital download on iTunes of yoga classes that were made by Bethany Frankel.

She is from the real Housewives of New York, I believe I haven't actually seen the Real Housewives of New York, but I'm a very big Bethany Frankel fan because of this yoga class. I loved how easy and accessible the yoga workouts looked. It was her practicing yoga alongside a yoga teacher and it just looked fun, and so I went for it. And the first time I ever did a practice was with one of those tapes, and it was three 15 minute workouts back to back to make up like a full 45 minute session, and they were funny and light, and Bethany would say like… if this is too hard, just stop and relax. You're doing great. Like sometimes you just want to take a moment to yourself or, you know, now you've done 15 minutes, if that's all your body wants to do today, that's okay. That's great. And it was just so freeing. Like, you couldn't be wrong. Like you could laugh and just do what felt good to your body, and I loved that and I was excited to practice, and gosh… I did those tapes again and again, and again.

(13:30)

And so you want to know how I am practicing yoga these days? Those tapes, recordings, whatever you want to call them. I found them in my old iTunes account and I'm loving them, and some days I'm only doing 15 minutes and I feel stellar about it. It is a delight it's on my own terms, it's short and sweet, and easy, and it feels good, and there are no rules, and it's reigniting my practice. It's reigniting something I love. I think, crippling expectations that are often self-imposed, right? Like I think we look at expectations that society projects to us and we choose whether or not to take them on. I think the default is to take them on, right? But at the end of the day, they are self-imposed in most cases, but these expectations and getting caught up in comparison and should's, ruining things we love is something that can happen and apply to any area of our life.

(14:36)

And so if you're feeling confined or you're feeling like you don't fit into any box, or getting frustrated and you're like unhappy or dissatisfied with something that you loved; ask yourself, if you're getting caught up in the status quo. Are you getting caught up in comparisons or on what something quote unquote 'should' look like?’ And are you so caught up in all of these external things that you can't unleash the creativity of what could be, that you can't find yourself in your place, in your own way in activities or industries, whatever it is that you, that you love, that you want to be a part of? Are you allowing yourself to live authentically or are you trying to do the quote unquote 'right thing?' Even if it doesn't feel good to you.

(15:37)

If being a Graceful Rulebreaker resonates with you, I think it's really important to pay attention to the status quo in all areas of your life, right? Like for me, I can so clearly see it and the research world when I'm like navigating the status quo, but couldn't clearly see it and like the wellness world, ask yourself, continually check in. Are you, are you comparing? Are you trying to fit yourself into a box and like follow rules? Or are you living authentically and tuning in and showing up as yourself, following what you love, being authentic, being you, that is your superpower. No one else is you, right? Like only you are you, and you have unique perspectives and passions, and dreams, and skills, and abilities that can make this huge, magical impact on the world and putting yourself in a box or trying to put yourself in a box or letting rules and the status quo in any area of your life restrict you, are gonna restrict you everywhere, right?

(16:50)

You are going to create and feel your best when you are free. Set yourself free. I love this truth bond from Danielle Rapport and it's, I might not quote it verbatim exactly cause I'm off the cuff here, but it's something like dance right out of your cage, right? Just dance right out of your cage, tune into what feels good and fun, and freeing, and do more of it. And as you're doing it, and again, in all spaces of your life, not just the one where like, I'm obviously a Graceful Rulebreaker in education or in research, or in business, but in all areas of your life. Because I think this is a mindset that permeates all areas of our lives. Keep showing up as your authentic self and redefining expectations.