Season 1: Ep.03 - On Self-Care

(00:28)

Hello and welcome back to Graceful Rulebreakers. I am really excited about today's episode because it is on something that is near and dear to my heart. Something that I believe is incredibly powerful and has the potential to vastly improve all aspects of your life, and support you in creating those big, bold, positive changes you want to see in the world. And that is self-care. How many of you either right now, or let's say in the past month are feeling or have felt stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, drained, burnout? I know I have. For me, these feelings come and go, and they are definitely correlated with how well I am able to prioritize self-care in my life.

(01:15)

Self-care is a powerful practice, emphasis on the practice. I don't believe any of us are ever going to achieve self-care mastery or be perfect. It's a journey and it involves constant learning and iteration, trying out what works to make you feel better and energized, and light… and what doesn't. Today, I'm excited to share a bit about my self-care journey with y'all and focus in on three principles that guide my practice. But first a disclaimer; I don't have the answers…you do. Self-care is about tuning into what you need physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Yes, there are rules and standards, and guidelines you could follow in self-care, as there are in all aspects of life, but we're about breaking the rules here, right? Yes, so please take what works for you. Try things on for size, leave what doesn't resonate. It is all okay.

(02:25)

It was about ten(ish) years ago that I first started consciously practicing self-care. And I say consciously, because self-care is something that's pretty hard to opt out of. Every day you're always making choices about self-care. Some of these are positive choices. Some of these are negative choices, but to some degree you are showing up and taking care of yourself each day. What I think the important difference is being aware of the decisions you're making, and how they impact your wellness and personal being, and not being aware of these decisions, right? So this is why I talk about cultivating a conscious practice of self-care.

And so I started consciously practicing self-care back in graduate school. I was really struggling with migraines and panic disorder, and just massive amounts of stress and pressure that I was putting on myself. And something that I realized is, I had a ton of negative self-talk going on. And for those of you unfamiliar with negative self-talk, that is basically when you are a jerk to yourself, either out loud or in your head. It's when you say or think things that aren't that nice. So, it might sound something like; I'm so stupid, I'm never going to be able to do this. Why did I do that? That was so dumb of me… or I am ugly, I'm fat, I have no self-control. Just these mean, mean things that we get in these traps of saying to ourselves; that is negative self-talk. And so divine timing, around the time I realized that I was having really terrible negative self-talk, I came across on Facebook a coaching group being led by one of my favorite people in the world. Her name is Lauren Wardell, we first met back in junior high when we were getting trained to be peer mediators, and we went to high school and worked on the yearbook together. And Lauren is a life coach, she is an HR guru. She is just honestly, one of the most wise people I have ever met, and it is a privilege to know her.

And Lauren back then, this is again, 10 years ago, was leading a group on negative self-talk. And that coaching group was my first taste of personal development work. And through that group, I learned so much about the impact that my negative words were having on my life, and just how could just create these ripples of speaking to yourself so negatively, and what impact that has on your reality. And I also was open up to so many different avenues of self-care, and different ways to shift my mindset so that I could think about myself and feel more positive about myself. You know, I learned about just the power of tapping, journaling, gratitude lists. I got into yoga, meditation, plant-based eating. It was just, you know, tons and tons of different venues for personal development were opened up to me through this, you know, course, or I became more aware of them. I saw more of them in the world as a result of starting to engage in this development work.

(06:00)

And if you know Gabby Bernstein, she talks about this concept of having like a spirituality, or a spiritual buffet, and there, so, so many practices that you can choose from. I always like to think about this, because when I first got into personal development, I just was absolutely gorging myself at the buffet… like I got a taste of it in this coaching group, and I just went all in. I wanted to do every practice that there was, and I wanted to do all of it just right, and self-care ended up becoming this little, or big, checklist for me. And it's not that self-care doesn't work as a checklist, It worked great as a checklist for me for a while. And if that's the way self-care works for you, then that's great. You know, for me, I became very obsessive and it became this habit or practice that was very all or nothing. And by that, I mean, I would go through these streaks where I was doing these really elaborate morning routines to get centered and ready for my day, and just like eating super clean, on point with my exercise and meditating multiple times a day and doing yoga… just doing like all the self-care practices I knew of, or the flip side I would be doing none of them and just kind of like numbing out, binge-watching TV, pretending like my life wasn't happening. And it was like these two extremes. And for me, this type of 'all or nothing' thinking was a problem, because I either got a lot of self-care or I got no self-care, and neither of these options were very sustainable.

And when I was getting a lot of self-care, candidly, I just started to get a little burnt out on it. It became this like really perfectionistic thing, and I don't feel like I was even feeling good about the self-care. It was just like I had to do it and I had to be good about it. And with that mentality, that approach to self-care, you're not actually reaping the benefits, because it becomes something that you should do, or that you have to do, in order to feel good about yourself and not something that you are giving yourself as a gift, because it actually feels good. And so after a few years of these extreme, you know, pendulum swinging one way or the other with self-care, I finally started to get into some rule breaking and embrace the idea of practice, and just letting things be easier and being easier on myself with my self-care practice. And I am not perfect at self-care, but now I am able to, when I get out of sync with what I need, I can recognize that and I can adapt, and I can do it in a way that is kind to myself, which is really powerful.

(09:12)

So how do you get started or restarted with self-care? This brings me to the first principle of self-care, which is more of an affirmational reminder, and that is, things can wait. You can't. You must acknowledge and accept this, and be willing to sit with the discomfort of putting your needs first. This might feel selfish. I know for me, a lot of times I struggle with the guilt of putting my needs first, and I love the metaphor of the oxygen mask, right? You have to put your oxygen mask on first, so that then you can help others. Or the expression about, you know, you can't pour from an empty cup, right? So all these ideas are that when you are, when you take care of yourself and your needs, you are actually able to show up in a way where you can be a better service to the world.

(10:10)

And as an entrepreneur, and you know, a human, I know that it can be hard to embrace that mentality, especially when you are working on really big problems and challenges in society that are so important, it can feel like because they impact so many people, they must be more important than you or that those things should come first, because they're so big and important. It's not true. If you come first, when you prioritize your needs and your self-care, and treat yourself with love and kindness, you are going to be able to push and advocate for those bigger changes, and just be of so much better service to the world. And we need you to do that important work that you're here to do, and in order for you to do it, you need to be healthy; physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, which is why it becomes so important to create time and space to replenish yourself.

So I'm going to say it again; things can wait. You can't. Guilt, discomfort of putting yourself first as one piece, and then there is also the time piece. Like many of you, my to-do list is fierce. I am positive I could work all day, every day and probably all night too, and still have things left to do, because seriously, new things tend to come up to fill up any empty space. It's basically universal law. I used to feel, and truthfully, sometimes I do still feel, because this is a practice… like I was always, always struggling to catch up or get ahead. And in my mind, self-care was something that I would be able to have once I caught up or got ahead, like I had to earn it first by getting done with all these other things, and then I could have the self-care. But weeks and weekends would fly by, with me neither caught up, nor ahead, for every three things I checked off my to do list, another five things would go on. It did not matter how many yoga classes, dinner with friends or events I skipped in the name of getting things done; the list persisted. Being busy, was like a badge of honor… and gosh, that is a social norm that I am so ready for us to let go of. Worshiping at the altar of busy, only got me more busy, not to mention frustrated, lonely, burnt-out and kind of crabby. So you have this list of really important things that feel like they're probably more important than you, and they're taking up all of your time, so you have no time for yourself.

(13:03)

What do you do? Things can wait. You can't. And then this is something that I am still learning and practicing, and that the only way that I could even, like, start to make more space for self-care in my life, was just to experiment around this. But you know, the work assignments, grading a paper or 200 plus new emails, you name it; if you take five minutes, or fifteen minutes, or an hour, or maybe one day you'll even want to take a whole night, or a weekend to recharge your batteries… all of those things are still going to be waiting for you. I promise. I know what you're thinking. And yes, sometimes there are extenuating circumstances. Sometimes in the world, there are actual deadlines. And I say actual, because I don't mean the deadlines that we have self-inflicted on ourselves. I mean, a deadline for something that has real implications, that absolutely has to be done at a certain time. Or sometimes there are emergencies that come up.

(14:12)

The key is to make these things, the exception, not the rule. Chances are that the pile of 'to-do' staring you in the face, is not going to be the end of the world, If you take five minutes, ten minutes, thirty minutes to focus on yourself. But the only way you're ever going to really learn that, is to try this for yourself; is to take those five, ten, fifteen minutes to yourself. Put the email, put the tasks away and see that when you come back to them, everything is still okay. If you want to be happy and productive, if you want to create big, positive change in the world and have a meaningful impact, you do not have to work harder, find more hours in the day, or get an I.V of caffeine to make it through. You do have to start practicing, working smarter, maintaining work-life boundaries and learning to live with the discomfort of being unfinished.

To get comfortable with being unfinished and with putting yourself first, you have to start small, and that is principle number two. If you're not accustomed to making time for yourself or having good work-life boundaries, I would never recommend that you turn your email off for a weekend and completely step away from work, because that sounds like a recipe to feel very stressed and freaked out. I would recommend that you step away from your email for five minutes in the morning, and start your day with some meditation or sipping your coffee in silence, or some other act of self-care that is small at the beginning of the day.

(16:04)

And this is that second principle that I was talking about and that is to start small. Self-care can feel really overwhelming and impossible, and like, if you don't have a whole day or an entire hour to dedicate to self-care that it isn't even worth doing, and that is just not true. I really encourage you to try finding just five minutes. Really just try finding five minutes in your morning to focus on yourself with self-care, and see how your life changes. I think this five minute focus is really incredible because it does a couple of things; one, by carving out that time for yourself, it shows that you are putting yourself as a priority. And when you put yourself first, first thing in the morning, you're setting this precedent for the day of making healthier choices for your wellbeing as the day goes on. It also, because it's such a low bar of five minutes, it's a quick win, right? It's something that you can do and feel good about, and then really build on the momentum of having successfully giving yourselves five minutes of self-care, so that then maybe you can get more self-care or just continue the practice, because you feel good about being able to accomplish it.

It feels good to commit to yourself and it feels good to be successful. I know I mentioned earlier, my big struggle was when I didn't have enough time to fit in all of my elaborate self-care practices; I felt like a complete failure, right? If I had just kept focusing on five minutes a day, five minutes a day, my practice would have been much more sustainably developed, than from swinging from doing a ton of self-care to doing no conscious self-care at all. So this ‘think small’ approach has just worked really, really well for me and felt good, and I'm excited for you all to give it a try and to break down self-care into this more bite-sized, manageable piece and see how powerful it can be; even at a small dose, so to speak.

(18:23)

What are you going to do? This is principle number three, and that is…do what works for you. Some people work really well with prescription, right? I've been down that road with lots of structure and rigidity, and checklists, and it has led to a lot of anxiety and depression, and eating disorder, obsessive compulsive tendencies. The prescriptive approach does not work for me. What I need in my life is permission. Permission to do what feels good for me, and permission to change my mind about what feels good for me. I believe the key to success with self-care is to really listen to your intuition and not force yourself to do things. If you feel like you should do something, and your energy coming at it is; I have to do this, or I'm bad if I don't do this, or I'm a failure If I don't do this thing, then there's this negative tense, stressful energy around what you're doing. That is not self-care.

(19:36)

The goal of self-care is to feel light and free, and recharge. And that's the energy that you want to tune into when you are practicing self-care. And that's what I hope to give you with this third principle; to do what works for you, is permission. Do you have to meditate for ten or fifteen minutes a day, twice a day for it to be self-care? No. Do you have to journal every day? No. Do you have to journal, If you don't feel like journaling? No. Do you have to eat only plant-based meals that you batch cook on Sunday? Absolutely not. And you're not a bad person If you choose not to do any of those things, and you're not a bad person if you choose to do all of those things. I really, I just love the power of choice, and of being able to decide in a moment what feels like it will be of service to you, and to just not judge it.

Self-care can be eating the donut, if you really want a donut. Maybe some morning, it is meditating. Maybe one morning, it's dancing around the kitchen listening to your favorite song. Self-care is learning to listen to what you need and honoring that without judgment. So whatever you're feeling that you need in the moment for self-care, don't be mean to yourself about it. Trust that if you listen to your intuition, and I really honestly believe this… if you listen to your intuition, you will be able to learn and become so in tune with what you need and be balanced, and make choices that are healthy for you, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. And I think it's important that you feel empowered to make your own choices about what is good and not good for you. And just to practice these things and to observe how you feel.

(21:49)

Here's my plug for some casual data collection. You could keep track of how different activities make you feel and see what lights you up, and what makes you excited, and what makes you feel recharged, and what doesn't feel good. And move towards the things that feel honestly good, in a way from the practices that feel like shoulds, or that feel like they aren't working for you. I like the example of meditation a lot, because I think there is a lot of research on why meditation is great and hugely beneficial. And I've been through periods in my life where I meditated twice a day for 15 minutes a day, and it felt great. And I've been through periods of my life where I have not meditated at all, because it was stressing me out and it didn't feel good, and it just felt like something I had to do, and that wasn't the type of energy I wanted to kick my day off with.

So instead I got into something called tapping, you know, emotional freedom technique; If you want to look it up. And that's what works for me most mornings and feels really good. And the key here again is to do what feels good, and not force yourself into activities that don't feel good, just because you feel like these are the self-care things that you quote unquote 'should do'. Now, I know it can be hard sometimes to come up with self-care activities that feel good, and that is why I'm going to be kicking-off a series of mini episodes… bite-sized if you will, to share some short and sweet, practical, actionable tips around self-care that you can just try on for size Some you'll take, some you'll leave and it is all okay. We are in this together. You are exactly where you were meant to be in your self-care journey.

(23:36)

And in just a few minutes a day, by re-committing to yourself, you can consciously put yourself on a path to feeling more energized, fulfilled, excited, happy, all those good things… and you can develop habits to help get you to that good, blissful place when you get lost. Because you will get lost or fall off the self-care wagon, so to speak, from time to time. Life happens and that is okay. Recommit and move forward. So, for right now to get things started, I don't want you to take a moment, close your eyes, if that feels good… take a deep breath and ask yourself; what is one small thing I can do today for self-care? What is one conscious choice I can make to care for myself today?