Season 1: Ep.08 - On Standing Out

(00:28)

For today's podcast, I want to talk about something that has been on my mind a lot lately and that is; not fitting in. Or to put a more positive spin on it; standing out. Here's the thing, when you're a Graceful Rulebreaker, when you're someone who operates in a traditional space, whether it be in one aspect of your life or all aspects of your life, where you just don't agree with everything and you think differently, or want things to be done differently; it can feel really isolating. It feels lonely. It feels like nobody likes you. And maybe that sounds dramatic, but I tell you what; it feels dramatic. Even if intellectually you know it isn't true that nobody values your insights or that everybody hates you; It can definitely feel that way sometimes.

Something that I wish I had heard more when I was younger, and that I had really internalized is this; I matter. And it is cool to be unique and think differently. We are all different and have something unique to contribute to the world, and that is amazing. I really wish I had the ability to see the uniqueness in everyone, including myself, especially myself. Because growing up, I only saw it and admired it in others, and it was such a painful struggle to always want to be someone else. That being said, I definitely believe that everything happens for a reason and that these are journeys that we're on, and that I'm where I'm meant to be right now. And I'm where I am right now because of where I was, you know, 10, 20, 30, 32 and a half years ago.

(01:58)

As a Graceful Rulebreaker your asset is in your values, your beliefs, your integrity, and depending on the situation you were in, it is probably one of those things, or all of those things, that are precisely what are causing you to not fit in. Your power is in your confidence. It is in your sense of self. When I think about not fitting in as a Graceful Rulebreaker and how to create big, positive, amazing changes, I think there are two important lessons with regard to standing out, to fit in. One; play the game authentically. And two; own what makes you unique and be kind to others. On playing the game authentically, this is controversial - go figure. I'm actually a proponent of quote unquote, 'playing the game.' I think that there's an important difference between complacency and supporting the status quo, and making sure you choose your choices to appease others so that you can leverage your power, your uniqueness and profound lasting change.

(03:01)

Thinking differently is important; it can push boundaries, it has the potential to make life better. But to create change, I believe that you still have to operate in reality, in today's society. Let me give you an example; I used to attend a number of education conferences with angel investors, hedge fund managers, and just more traditional type leaders of big philanthropic organizations. And I distinctly remember feeling like… whoa, I don't agree with all these people are saying about education at all. I also remember being shocked at how open these people were to debate, and hearing about other perspectives. My power in those spaces was embracing that I offered a different perspective and feeling confident, presenting an impassioned, kind, powerful, counter narrative. That type of engagement and dialogue is what can create change. If I had gone to those spaces and been condescending or close minded, you know, like, 'Screw academia, you're conservative, I don't want to listen to you. You're doing things wrong. I totally disagree with how you think about education. Why would you think that?' Well, none of those thoughts are productive and honestly, it's kind of mean. If I come in from a space of kindness and empathy, and listen and say, 'I hear why you're making these choices, and I think your heart is in the right place… here's how I think we could do an even better job. Here's how this could be more accessible, more equitable. Here are three reasons why these outdated systems actually mean to be completely dismantled.' That is more strategic.

Is everyone open-minded and kind and empathetic? No. Will some of those conversations be useless? Possibly. But if I'm entering a traditional space, it's on me to be respectful and engage from a place of grace and poise, and understanding of 'the game' because that's how I can most effectively create change. Candidly, I struggle a little because I absolutely think there are some circumstances that call for more radical action. But I guess I'm more of a; let's work the diplomatic channels before we bring in the military kinda person. Yes, I have been rewatching Madam Secretary and the West Wing lately.

(05:19)

Graceful Rulebreaking is not ignoring rules or pretending that they aren't there, whether it is educating yourself and being able to navigate them in a graceful way. And this is where the whole fitting in thing comes in again, right? You don't have to be like everyone else and you don't have to be traditional in the sense that everyone else is traditional, but you do have to be able to interact with people who don't hold the same beliefs as you do, and to do so in a kind respectful way that honors their values in their work. Again, given the state of the world, I want to explicitly take hate out of this equation. Hate is wrong and unnecessary, and I am absolutely not saying that you need to honor or value work that is condescending, discriminatory or hateful towards others. What I am saying is that in many cases in spaces, there is a difference between how things could be or should be, or would be in an ideal world, and how things are today. In reality, maybe society should be set up differently; hint, it definitely should be, and we shouldn't even have to play the game and we should just have access and opportunity, but that isn't reality. In those cases, we must instead see the world for how it is and gracefully break rules on our way to creating a more positive world.

(06:37)

What makes me personally comfortable with playing the game in my Graceful Rulebreaking, is that in research and education, for example, I know I don't agree with the status quo, and I am super clear on my values and integrity, and also intimately familiar with the norms and procedures, and show I need to put on and follow to be the most impactful. Because I have my beliefs and values as a guidepost, I feel comfortable playing the game because I can see the bigger picture. Here's another example that's a bit more concrete and fun. Think about how you dress. I used to feel that to enter certain spaces, I needed to dress in a certain way to fit in and be respected, or at least increase the odds of being respected. If I was going to a conference or to give a presentation, or maybe a job interview back in the day, I needed to be business casual or maybe even formal, it was usually getting pressured or guilted into wearing a suit of some type. I remember back in high school, my mom wanted so badly for me to own a suit, and it was just this necessary thing that I had to have, because the only way I could look professional when going to interviews and events, was to wear a suit. And it's this whole ritual of what you need to look like to fit in and have people take you seriously. And this is where we're going to bring it back around to; own what makes you unique and be kind to others. Uniforms and signaling through clothing is something that I've really started to question, because I feel ridiculous in a suit. I hate them. They aren't me. I don't want to have to put on a suit and perform to fit in somewhere and have credibility. I think that is ridiculous. I personally feel really competent and confident wearing jeans and cute stilettos and perhaps a trendy blazer.

(08:39)

Honestly, I've tried to get into blazers since I revolted against them so much growing up. Anyways, if I'm going to be in a room sitting there or standing there uncomfortable, in a stuffy suit and just like not feeling like myself… all so I can fit in and be respected… well, I'm actually not going to be able to show up and shine my brightest, and make a difference because I'm not even feeling comfortable, in like, myself. And yes, I get that sometimes there are strict dress codes and rules, and there could be repercussions for going your own way, and maybe the risks are greater than the reward. Obviously, there are some other things that play and that's important to think about, but regardless, I would always encourage you to really ask yourself, how are you showing up as yourself? Do you feel comfortable? Do you feel like you? If you feel super comfortable in a hoodie, jeans and sneakers, maybe that's what you should be wearing to make that big pitch or give that presentation.

(09:45)

If you are comfortable and owning it, you won't be thinking about if you fit in or not, because you weren't trying to fit in. You are just being you. For most of my life in most spaces I've existed in, I have undeniably felt like I didn't fit in. I have also historically suffered from super low self-confidence. When I think back to junior high or high school… and gosh, it's painful because I cringe just thinking about those years. But when I put on my reflective, introspective hat, I wonder if I was in my own way. I was constantly comparing myself to others and feeling like I wasn't good enough, or that people wouldn't like me, and as a consequence, I honestly couldn't tell you if other people didn't accept me, or if I didn't accept me. So, I shrank so much that other people didn't even have the opportunity to accept me. I took myself out of the running, like, you can't reject me because I reject me, and you aren't even going to get to know me. It's kind of heartbreaking, and I know that there are other people who have felt this way and who feel this way today, and what I'd love to see more of is being brave and bold, and embracing who you are, and being kind to others.

(11:08)

I was unique growing up. We all were unique growing up. We are all unique now. And the question I'm posing here is; is the concept of not fitting in, something that we put on ourselves, right? By not embracing ourselves for who we are and not feeling confident showing up as ourselves, do we actually make it so that we don't fit in? Whereas if we showed up and felt really confident, and presented ourselves in the way that felt true and authentic to us; would fitting in, not even be a concept that entered our mind?

I think that there's this trippy idea that I'm still working to fully conceptualize, but it's; if we can get to a space where everyone is unique and we can see that everyone is unique, and appreciate that, then by virtue of, none of us fitting in, we all fit in. I think society needs to have a strong, underlying respect and true appreciation for other people and what they bring to the table, and I believe this starts with having that respect and appreciation, and even admiration for yourself. Your power is in your presence and the more you feel comfortable and like yourself, the greater presence you'll have. And that presence attracts others. It pulls them into your positive force field. By standing out, you fit in, it's striking this balance of embracing yourself and expressing yourself authentically, and being able to read the room and the situation, and the rules so that you can gracefully push for change.

(13:06)

It's a challenge and it's fun, and it takes time and practice to figure out where the lines are and what works for you, and where you can push and where you need to pull back. The best advice I can give to you is; to focus so much on your values and your beliefs, and on being yourself, and on being kind to others, that you don't even notice consciously whether or not you fit in. You show up, you do the work and you model self-confidence and compassion, and the power to change the world for others. Your light and your authenticity, and honesty, and integrity will attract the right people to you. It will create opportunities for you to make positive changes in the world and have a meaningful impact. And so, it's so, so critical that you just embrace yourself and who you are, and stand out… stand out and encourage other people to stand out so that we can all just stand out in our different, brilliant way. And by virtue of us all standing out, we will all fit in to a more inclusive, positive, graceful world.