Season 1: Ep.09 - On Self-Compassion

(00:21)

Hello, and welcome back to Graceful Rulebreakers. Today's episode is inspired by a video on TikTok that I saw over the weekend. As an aside, yes, I am a big TikTok fan. I think it's the most happy, magical space I have been on the internet, and no, I have not yet worked up the courage to make a video yet. I will keep you posted. Anyways, this video I saw honestly, brought me to tears and it just really breaks my heart to think about it, and inspired me to do a podcast episode on the idea of mattering and self-compassion. I think that these two topics actually really go very much hand in hand. Feeling like you're important and valuable is something that is so near and dear to my heart, because it is something that I have struggled with and really, really continue to struggle with.

(01:28)

So, this video I saw was of a teacher teaching online. It looked like they were teaching via zoom and none of the students in their class had their video on; which honestly I can totally relate to. Zoom fatigue is real and I don't always want to be on camera. You have this awkwardness potentially of the space that you're in or what you're wearing, or how you look, and confidence issues can come up. And I honestly think that the video can be really triggering and scary, and I say that as a 32 year old woman, I think that for younger students… gosh, I can't, I just can't imagine it… If I were in junior high or high school when I was having even more confidence issues. So totally get that students may not want to be on video.

Anyhow, the student making the TikTok was on mute on the call and narrating how they just felt so bad for the teacher, because they were basically just like teaching alone, like into this void. And so, this student flipped on their camera and said they keep the teacher company… and gosh, the look on that teacher's face; it was so heartwarming. The teacher said something along the lines of how great it was to see the student and how, especially with the quarantine, they had been so isolated and hadn't really gotten that human connection. And it was just this moment of the teacher being so vulnerable, so happy, so grateful for human connection. And honestly, I was sobbing. And of course, because this was on TikTok, I ended up seeing many, many more videos like this over the weekend. And every time, I was so touched by the students and the kindness they were acting out of, and also just struck by and like overwhelmed with sadness for these teachers, showing up to do their job, to make the world a better place, to be the best they can be, and just talking into a void.

(03:38)

These videos really got me thinking about kindness and connection, and especially during these times, which are so isolating for many of us; the power of you being human and being kind, and showing up, and telling someone you appreciate them, and that you see them, and how that can be so powerful and so important. So here's the thing, you can't control how other people act. You can't guarantee that everyone's going to be on video for your zoom calls or your zoom class, or that people are going to express appreciation or gratitude for what you're doing. You literally could teach or work into a void, and that's something that is pretty much out of your control. However, you can control your reactions and how these environmental factors affect you. So, during these times of isolation and feeling like you aren't appreciated, or that you don't matter, what can you do to feel better? And by better, I mean more confident, less alone, just like… you matter, because you do.

(04:54)

Mattering is such a big topic and I think that there are a lot of ways to approach feeling like you matter, but at its core, I really, I think that the key to mattering is self-compassion, and that's what I want to focus on today. I think self-compassion is one of the most important skills or practices you can develop, because self-compassion gives you the power to bounce back from anything, and just to really accept and maybe even embrace where you are in life. I think some people see self-compassion as being weak or letting yourself off the hook, and as someone who is recovering perfectionist, I totally get that. Like, if I'm not hard on myself, how will I achieve? How will I get better? If I mess up, I should make sure I feel really, really bad about it to ensure that it doesn't happen again, right? Um, no, that is not how it works. If you're really mean to yourself, you're not making it any less likely that you won't repeat a mistake or fail again. Mistakes and failure happen. They're part of life. What you are doing is just making yourself feel bad. Similarly, if you take all the responsibility for other people not showing up, and blame yourself and say, 'if I was better at this, then people would show up and engage with me. Or if I was better at my job, if I was better at teaching, then everyone would turn on their video and support me.' And if you take on all that responsibility for yourself, you're just making yourself feel bad, you're not improving the situation. At the end of the day, the truth is; none of this is about you, it's always about the other person. So, it's so key to de-personalize these situations and treat yourself with compassion.

(06:57)

So, how do you practice having more self-compassion? You may have heard this advice before, to think about what you would say to a friend or a small child if they were in the situation. If something goes wrong, you mess up, things don't go exactly how you want… If you don't achieve something you want to achieve, you feel let down; whatever the negative emotion situation is, pretend like you're responding to a friend or a small child in that situation. The truth is, it can be much easier for us to think about how to be kind to others than it is to think about how we can be kind to ourselves, so this flip of perspective can be really useful. What would you say to someone else in this situation? It probably wouldn't be… oh my gosh, you suck. You're worthless. Nobody likes you. If you were better, this would be going better. A big piece of self-compassion is radical acceptance; knowing who you are, accepting who you are and where you are in life, and this comes from a core belief that you matter, that you are important.

One of the most difficult things to do is to practice self-compassion when other people aren't showing you compassion, or when other people aren't valuing you. It can be really easy to pile on and think that other people are right, that you don't really matter, or you're not that great, or if only you could be better, or cooler, or more magical than this would be working, but because it's not, you suck and it's all your fault.

(09:13)

You're a Graceful Rulebreaker. Odds are, there will be moments in your life where other people aren't showing you compassion, or aren't valuing you because you're thinking differently. Or because a lot of us who are Graceful Rulebreakers tend to work in industries where we are just chronically undervalued and not seen. And that's one of the things that we're working to change about these spaces, but that doesn't change the reality right now, that that can definitely be the case that you just are undervalued and unseen, and that's what the world is going to throw at you as a challenge to overcome. The best way to show yourself compassion, especially when that's not the message you're getting from the world, is to have this core belief that you matter. And you do matter. You are irreplaceable. You are a prize possession, like, your own prize possession because nobody owns you. You're a prize possession that you need to take care of physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, because you are so important and you're doing such good work in the world, and people are going to beat you down enough. You don't need to beat yourself down. You do need to love yourself and show yourself kindness, show yourself grace and just internalize that you matter.

(10:50)

And when you are internalizing that you matter and treating yourself with compassion, life is going to feel easier. It's going to feel brighter. You're going to feel stronger, and when life throws you curveballs, or there are just bad days where you're feeling down or undervalued, or people aren't showing up for you the way you show up for them, you're going to be okay. And you're going to get through because you know that you matter, and you are going to be kind to yourself in those situations. And I really believe that the more kind you are to yourself in those situations, one, like the more you all internally increase the perception of your value, which is immensely important, but two, the less bad those situations will feel. Because if you can just pivot and let it roll off you that no one showed up for your class or your meeting, or it feels like nobody's listening to you and you can just be, like, okay, well, these aren't my people, or… okay, well, this has nothing to do with me, there must be other things going on because I'm amazing. You can just keep on doing your good work. And that's what the world needs you to do, to keep on showing up as yourself and doing the amazing work that you've been called to do.

(12:25)

I also think that by showing yourself the self-compassion and really embodying this idea that you matter, you give other people this beautiful gift of being a model for that, right? Like you're modeling this compassion and this mattering, and it gives other people permission to be nicer to themselves and to feel like they matter, and now we just have people feeling better about themselves and the world, and if we're all feeling better and happier, and brighter, I think amazing things are going to happen. Into those ends, I really want to encourage you to the extent that you are able and comfortable to do so on your day to day life, to show up for the people who are showing up for you, and let them know that their efforts matter, because this can really be a struggle for a lot of people. And I think that there are a lot of people in a lot of jobs right now, that feel very isolated, and these jobs just feel thankless. And, you know, I have been there. There have been things that I've poured my heart and soul into, and barely been acknowledged for. And it sucks. Even when you're really confident and internally know that the things you're doing matter and are worthy, and are worthwhile, it still sucks to not have it be acknowledged or appreciated. And that's why it's so important to be kind and express gratitude, and connect with others.

And again, I say to the point that you're able and comfortable, because again, people have so much going on right now in their own lives that you might not have the bandwidth or capacity to do this right now. And that's okay. That's why we're also working on not taking things personally, right? And so what I want to say is that for those of you who are showing up, the best you can every day, whatever your position is… you're a teacher, a doctor, a nurse, people in the service industry, caregivers, parents, Graceful Rulebreakers. Thank you for that. Even if it doesn't feel like people appreciate you or that your work is important, it is.

(14:41)

Back to what I mentioned in the beginning of this episode; it really touches me to see people show kindness to others and it really hurts me to see people in pain. I'm guessing a lot of you listening are empaths with me. And so it really, the pain that you can feel for others is real. And for me especially when someone is feeling pain because they feel isolated, unimportant, because I'm no stranger to those feelings. It's just, it's very real to me. And as I was watching those videos on TikTok, all I could think was; I want to do something to help. I really believe that any little thing that you can do to make life better for one person, is worth it. I remember I got into an argument with someone… this was like back in junior high and we were talking about public service and giving back. And he was like, what if you only helped one person, like, that wouldn't even be worth it. And I was like, what? I completely disagree. Even if I did a ton of work and it only made the tiniest difference in someone's life, that would still be worth it because I made life better for someone, and I think that's such a gift and such an incredible thing to be able to offer.

So, if someone isn't there to tell you that you matter and pump you up, I am honored to be that someone and to support you in internalizing this for yourself, because of course the best validation you can give yourself is your own, but that doesn't mean it's not nice to hear it from others. All of you matter. I know things are hard right now, and I trust that you are doing the best you can. And that the best you can do is great. So thank you for showing up. Thank you for the work you are doing in this world. I appreciate you.