Season 2: Episode 20 - On Self-worth

(0:27)

Hello, and welcome back to Graceful Rulebreakers. I'm your host, Kirsten Lee Hill. And for today's episode, I want to talk to you about self-worth. Self-worth is something that I am constantly practising, as many of us are, and I don't think I've done an episode about this in season one when I was talking about value and knowing your value, and how do you know your value and asserting your value. And this is similar, I want to revisit that concept because it's been coming up a lot for me, and my personal life with friends, and also in my professional life, talking with other business owners and entrepreneurs.

(1:07)

And whenever I am speaking to someone who's just getting started in business, the number one piece of advice that I give them, without a doubt relates to self-worth. And here it is, charge more, it doesn't matter what you are charging, you should be charging more. And that is just like my baseline advice, I give it to everyone, I give it to myself, occasionally, it's just you should charge more, value yourself more. And that's why it's this self-worth piece, right? Because in order to run a successful business where you feel happy and fulfilled, and you are generating an income to sustain the life you want to live, you need to value yourself, right? You need to value what you're putting into the world. And that's not just for making money, but for thinking about the confidence that you show up and project in the world and building relationships and in partnerships where people respect you and honour what you have to offer. All of that comes down to how much you feel you are worth.

(2:23)

And I know when I was first getting started a little bit over five years ago, which is wild to think about - I've been in business for five years. That was one of the first things that I struggled with, because I kept looking to people outside of me to define my worth, like how much is my time worth because when I started I was charging hourly. And so I would ask other people, like, what they thought I should make and basically ask other people to tell me my worth. And lucky for me, I think lucky for me, I didn't really like what they had to say, like, I feel intuitively inside me, what people were telling me to charge just seemed low. And I was like… what? But I'm great, and I work so hard and I produce quality work, like, that's all these people think I'm worth it? Yeah, and this happens when you're looking for that validation outside of yourself, you tend to not get it, right? Because people are mirroring back your insecurities and like somewhere inside, for me like more on the surface than inside, I didn't feel worthy, which is why I was asking other people like hey, please tell me I'm worth something because I don't feel like I am, I need a reminder. And when that's the energy you're giving off, of course people are gonna undervalue you. Whereas if you're giving off the energy of I am amazing and I do great work, and I am so valuable and of course, people want to work with me, because I'm awesome. People will mirror that back to you, right? And so I was applying for one of my very first consulting projects, and for a little bit of context, when I was a graduate student, I got paid $35 an hour while working on my PhD. They also paid for my PhD, but I made $35 an hour working in research. And so I was applying for this first project and I was offered $35 an hour. And everyone I talked to was like Kirsten, take it $35 an hour is good, like, that makes sense, you're just getting started, you need a job, you need something to do, right? Like, that fear, lack, deficit type things coming out, like, you should definitely take this and I'm sitting there like I've been made $35 a year, oh my gosh, luckily not a year, I've been making $35 an hour for the past six years, and now I've graduated, and now I have this degree and I have all this other experience, how am I not worth more than $35 an hour, right? Like, just even on an intellectual non-intuitive level, that was confusing to me, right? It was like, I just don't get like how have I not become more valuable? I know, all of this new stuff and I do have a degree and I'm still only worth $35 an hour. Why did I go to school for all this time, right? For the knowledge, I went for the knowledge because I want to help people, but the things I was thinking about, and so, I sat down and started to think through, like, how much money I felt I should make. And I was having a hard time coming up with a number and I did a lot of research I was looking on, you know Glassdoor, and googling how much the consultants make in different fields, and just trying to see what seemed fair to me. And ultimately, I don't even think I came up with a number. Ultimately, what I did was I crafted an email and said, thank you so much for this opportunity, this is obviously not verbatim, I'm not reading it. But, you know, thank you for this opportunity, you know, I've been making $35 an hour as a graduate assistant, and I feel like I'm really valuable and I have a lot to offer your team, and I appreciate this opportunity. But I just don't think that that's what I'm worth. So I'm gonna have to say no, and I didn't even like I wasn't even going to negotiate, right? I was like, yeah, I'm just gonna have to say no.

(6:52)

In hindsight, now that I've had more experience, I would have tried to negotiate or put something out there. But I was just like, I was ready. I was ready to say no and walk away from it, because I value myself more. And I didn't hear anything for… it was at least a day, I feel like in my mind, like it was days and days. But that could just be, you know, the drama. I didn't hear anything for a little bit. And eventually they came back and offered me $62.50, which that's like, almost twice what the original offer was, and was like, you're right, like you have graduated, we can actually pay you $62.50. And I just remember thinking like, hmm, everyone wanted me to take $35, everyone I talked to wanted me to take $35 and thought it was worth $35, and I was over here like being quote unquote, like being dumb, because I didn't want $35 an hour, and I should have just been grateful and accepted it and yada, yada, yada. And now I'm gonna make $62.50 an hour and I was so excited, I felt so good. And it just felt like this sign right out of the gate, that, wow, I really need to trust my instincts, and also just trust that I am valuable and that I can contribute. And so that was my first consulting, that client just kind of set the bar. And within six, seven months, I had increased my rate to $110 an hour, I'm pretty sure because $125 felt too scary, like increasing it to $110. And a lot of that was driven by the fact that I was working a tonne, I was working all the time and I still wasn't making enough money to pay my bills. And there are even if you're, you know, a laptop entrepreneur, for me, like there were still costs like I had to pay for different software's and I had my website and I had health insurance, there were costs to running a business even though you know, it was lean, I didn't have a tonne of overhead, I still had costs. And so $62.50 wasn't making me enough, I upped it to $110. And even at $110 an hour, I was like I am just not making enough money, right? Because one of the things with consulting and other types of you know, entrepreneurial work is not necessarily working 40 hours a week, right? Like you get these small, sometimes large projects, but I was when I started out I had a lot of small projects and wasn't working anywhere in here 40 hours a week and so billing 110 an hour just wasn't making me enough money to sustain, and that actually led to me needing to take a traditional job and I had to pause my own business because I had undervalued my skill set, and I couldn't keep it afloat at the at the price I had set for myself, right?

(9:53)

And so when people are asking for advice, like what I learned it was, you know, right out of the gate -  you have to value yourself, you have to value your time, you have to value your skills, you have to value your expertise, you have to think of all the things that go into this number that you're really assigning yourself, you're assigning yourself a monetary value and communicating it to other people, and you have to think about the education and training that's gone into it, perhaps your natural ability, the costs that are going to come out of it, like all these things come in to price setting. And that was something that again, like I learned a little bit right out of the gate and just have like, continually been learning and iterating on in my most recent iteration on this, I actually don't charge hourly anymore. I don't do hourly billing. Occasionally, I will make an exception, but I don't like to bill hourly, because the fact that I can do something in 30 minutes, I don't think means I should only make like half of my hourly rate for it. If it's a really valuable thing, like valuing my skill set and what I have to offer people. And that came from talking to more experienced consultants, who were like, we bill by project. Like, at the end of the day, who cares how long the project takes? Like, obviously, do well and get it done by the deadline, right? But if it takes you three hours, versus six hours, like, why would you make less money just because you're quicker at it more quick at it. And so I just have all these things percolating in my head, and I work with other businesses who charge so little, and I just think like, gosh, like, how can you keep going like charging that much or like, wow, I would charge so much more to work with you because you are incredibly valuable, and I see your value and I really try to communicate that to others whenever I have the opportunity, because I think this is something that we all can learn. And again that's like I'm still learning.

(11:59)

And I believe what's difficult about this is that, again, there are people who will not validate your worth or people who will think you are not worth what you're asking for. There are people who will think you're too expensive, there are people who will tell you all these things. And at every stage in my business, this has happened to me $62.50 was too expensive for some people, $110 was too expensive for some people, $125 was too expensive for some people, $250 is too expensive for some people, like at every level up that I had, and like each time it just felt like better and better because I was like yes, like I'm feeling like there's this equal energy exchange, right? Like you have to pay attention to those because you're finishing a project and you're mad and you're drained and you're frustrated. Think about the energy exchange, like did you make what you were worth on that project? Probably not. If you're feeling that way versus feeling like, oh, yes, this felt so good, like I, you know, it just was like, priced it right. Sometimes your price it right, and sometimes you price it not right, and I've been on both sides of that. But at every level there has been at least one person who's like, yeah, I'm not paying that's too expensive. And the key is to accept that, you have to fight with them, you don't have to convince them that you're worth that. I don't believe that some people believe that, you know, you just need to sell harder or convince people. And I don't believe in that, personally. To me, it's like you are not my people. And like thank you. Thank you, next. The words of Ariana Grande thank you next, thank you next -  it's just if you're not going to value me at the way I'm currently valuing myself, then you're not my people and other people come in and do value you that amount. I've never been in a situation where I've increased prices or changed my structure of my business, and had no one want to work with me, I mean, thank God, I'm so grateful for that - that's never happened to me, and that's definitely a fear that I have anytime I make a change, like oh my gosh, like what if this is the time where people are like, nah, no, she's not worth it. And everyone thinks that right? 

(14:23)

But it doesn't happen. Because I don't think that, I think I am good at what I do. I think I am incredibly valuable. I am excited to work with people who see that value. I'm excited to partner with them. I'm excited to give them a huge return on their investment. And that's how I show up to these meetings. That's the energy I try to put into my website, and when I'm building offers and when I get to the point where they feel it start to feel icky, then I change it up and I think about it differently, and it's taken, I mean, I'm like five years running a business, I was working on self-worth, like, way before that, self-worth has been a lesson I've been learning since childhood because I just have perpetually, let's not get too sad here, but like, never felt like I was good enough, right? I've always really been working on that. And I just think it's… as you start to own a business or, you know, navigate your career and navigate your, you know, relationships and friendships, you get to that, you can get to this point, where if you recognise your internal value, you can really see the mismatches in the world around you. And again, financial is such an easy example, for business, again, because a lot of people undervalue themselves and their skill set. One of the things I do actually to help me with this is that, when proposals from other people in my field come across my desk, I look at how much they're charging. And I literally every time I look at how much they're charging, I'm like, oh my gosh, they are charging so much, and so I save it in a folder in my Google Drive, It's called why I should be charging more. And I like to collect this evidence, right? That there are people out there charging more money, there are people out there who value their skills and their time and their energy, more than I value mine. And it's like a nice reminder, and I'll look at it when I'm making a proposal, I'm like, oh, right, like I really need to value myself more like what's what's going on, right? And sometimes it's people I know, and I'm like, I feel like I have such a better job than them, which is a little egotistical, I think I've read a couple articles by Chris Carr about healthy bragging. And I think that many of us in some cases need a little bit more of an ego and to recognise that we are awesome, and that other people are awesome too, it's not like I'm awesome and no one else is awesome. But just to own that we're awesome and then to collect evidence that other people think they're awesome, and maybe we can be charging more, and we know we really add value and sorry, digress a little bit, collect evidence of what other people are doing, It's not that you have to compare yourself but to me, I use it as this like inspiration of like, wow, I can really ask for that. And putting money aside, there are other ways that people reflect your value to you and that you can assess your value to is I look at how people treat me and how people value my time and their tone with me, and are they speaking to me in a condescending way? And are they rescheduling on me a million times at the last minute or, you know, being snippy with me whatever it is - those are also ways that people communicate that they don't value, even if people like to say, thank you, or like hey, I really appreciate you. Those are all things that are really important to me and my business. I want to have healthy relationships with clients who respect me and who think I'm great, right? Like that's what I want in my life. I don't want to be caught, you know, having tonnes of arguments with people who are speaking to me disrespectfully and condescending and that's communicating that again, like they don't value me. And these are all things to be on, just observe in your life. And even if you don't own a business, this can be relevant again to your relationships or the role you're in. Are you respected? Do people appreciate you? How do people talk to you? And the way that you communicate your value is in how you respond in those instances, right? Do you let it happen? Or do you step up and advocate for yourself and say, hey, this is not how you talk to someone, like this is, hey, this is inappropriate, hey, I'm not feeling appreciated here, right? Like speaking up and communicating your value so that other people have an opportunity to rise to that occasion and show your value. Or you get to the point where you're like, I'm out, I'm not gonna hang around somewhere where I'm not valued, and that can be scary.

(19:31)

I know I was scared when I left my business to take a job. And then a very short few months later, left that job because I was incredibly not valued like so undervalued. That was scary, right? It feels scary to take these leaps of faith but there's also so much to be said about believing in yourself and honouring yourself and acting in alignment with that. And if you hang out in a job or a relationship where people treat you poorly, and people don't see all the incredibleness that you have to offer the world, you're basically saying, that's okay, I'm not worth very much anyways, go ahead and treat me that way. And I think that's something to be aware of, and to take baby steps or big steps, whatever you're comfortable with, to work on that, right? And it could just look like maybe first internally, working on your value for yourself, journaling about it, saying affirmations, doing, like, the mirror practice which is telling yourself that you love yourself in the mirror.

(20:45)

So many different ways to build that, that self-love, self-care muscles to build your value internally, and then start taking risks with other people, you know, maybe realise that you really are under charging people, so you raise your rates, and see what happens, right? Or, you know, when someone is being disrespectful to you in a relationship or work, you pointed out, maybe don't point out the moment, maybe you pointed out later, like, do what you're comfortable with. But know that you are valuable, you are so valuable. And you're here to play an important part in this world. And when you truly value yourself when you show up, and you own that, and you're just consistently practising it. So you can value yourself more and more and get better and better and better at it - life is going to mirror that back to you and things are just gonna get better and better and better. And you'll be working your zone of genius, and you'll be having the relationships you want, and you will be making the money that you want, and you'll be doing the good in the world that you want, and it's amazing. It's not amazing all the time, right? I don't want to sugarcoat things, things are still hard a lot of times and it's scary to ask for more. And it's scary to assert your worth. For me, it's scary, maybe for some people it's not, for me, it's scary. But it's something that I practice. And I've really seen my life grow leaps and bounds because of that. And I'm in another growing phase now where a lot of the old way of me working with people and doing things has ended or is ending soon. And I'm starting on new things. And it's a little scary and I'm just practising showing up every day and reminding myself, whether it's by looking at, sometimes I look at my resume, sometimes I look at a list of all the projects I've worked on. Sometimes I reread all the emails and nice notes I've saved from people, keep track of all this stuff, it feels good to remind yourself sometimes I need a reminder. But I just keep reminding myself, I do good work. I really show up and invest energy and people. I am smart, I am kind, going on with affirmations and that helps me to better communicate my worth and to feel more confident.

(23:24)

So, I hope some of this was helpful. You're amazing. You're doing good work. You deserve to be valued. You deserve to feel worthy of everything that you want in the world. Remember that.