Season 2: Episode 23 - On Being Good Enough

(0:21)

Hello, and welcome back to Graceful Rulebreakers. I'm your host, Kirsten Lee Hill, bringing you the last episode of 2021, right? That's the year, yeah, the last episode of 2021, and a message that I would love to share with you going into 2022. But if there's only one thing you carry with you into 2022, only one thing that you commit to and focus on, I hope this is it, it's definitely going to be what I commit to and focus on. Here it is, you are good enough. Right now, just the way you are. All the mess, all the different feelings, all the successes, all the failures, everything. You are good enough, you don't have to fix anything because you are not broken, you don't have to make resolutions to be better or do better. You just… just love yourself exactly the way you are right now, and be okay with the fact that it might not be your idea of perfect, you're good enough. You're good enough. And this is a message that is just like so near and dear to my heart because I rarely, I don't want to say never because I don't know if it's never, but I rarely feel good enough. And I judge myself about that all the time, after all of these years. All of this journaling, all of this therapy, tapping, meditating, yoga, green juice, all the things, after all of these things. How the fuck do I still not think I'm good enough? And you notice that this is the first time I've ever sworn on this podcast, I swear all the time in real life. But I'm like, no, I'm being mature and professional and I can't swear. Fuck it man, like you, you are good enough, I am good enough, we are all good enough, let's just start practicing this, let's start internalizing this, I think it's really important. Because I for one, am really, really tired of feeling broken all the time. I'm tired of feeling broken, I'm tired of feeling like I have to wait until I reach some level of peace and inner calm. And, you know, not too emotional, whatever, until I can have… like, that I have to do that until… like, in order to have what I want. In order to live the life I want, I have to be perfect. I have to be good enough. I can't be dealing with mental health issues or physical health issues, and my business can't be struggling and I can't be having any self-doubt. And it's just like, okay, so once you tighten up everything and you're completely perfect, then you can have what you want, then you can have success and you can have, you know, attention, you can have love, you can have money, you can have your dream house, whatever it is, right? You are good enough, right now, right now.

(4:08)

We are humans and humans are messy, and complicated, and we can feel 10 million different things in one day, or hold all these different thoughts and feelings and truths all at the same time, and it doesn't make any of them less authentic, or honest, or good. It just is, like, this is just us and we are doing the best we can. I know I'm doing the best I can, and yeah, do I sometimes think like oh, but are you really doing the best you can? Because if you're really doing the best you can then you wouldn't have all these issues. That's just not, it's just not true. It's just not true. And, God, what's been coming up for me, like, so much around this New Year, and setting intentions, I don't like the word resolutions so I don't use it, it just doesn't resonate with me, but like, around setting intentions is like this idea that like, by setting these intentions, I'm going to become this better version of myself that will maybe be suitable for other people or for the life I want. And the thing is, I guess I think we are always being our best self, like in that, like, weird, we're just doing the best we can. Are we always been our, I don't know, like, our most whole self or like our higher self, right? Like, it's, I don't like the idea that we need to fix things about ourselves, I think what we need to do is honor ourselves and who we are, and where we are on this path, and just be at peace with that. And that doesn't mean that you don't try new things or tackle your issues or like, you know, want to evolve, right? I don't think it means that, like, I want to grow and I want to see, I don't want to say better, I don't want to become a better version of myself, like I just want to become a more me, want to become more me. And I don't believe in my heart of hearts that my true self is crippled with panic and anxiety and fear and self loathing and I… that's not my true self. So I don't want to become better, I just want to become more me, I want to be me. And I feel like I have constructed this, like, cage . I built myself this cage, it makes me think of this quote from Daniella Pora that's like dance, dance right out of that cage. It's like I've built myself this cage of what I'm allowed to have, because of who I am right now and what I'm dealing with right now. And, like, put limits. And it's like, because you are this level of good, you are able to have these things. And when you get to the next level of good or better than you can have more things because you'll deserve them. And that is just like such a not productive or true way of thinking because we deserve to live good lives, we deserve to be loved, and we deserve to be happy and healthy and fulfilled. And we deserve all of those things, even if we still have some issues or baggage that we are dealing with.

(8:31)

And I've been thinking about this this month, because December for me is the month where I feel like I am perpetually disappointing people. And I feel guilt and shame over it. And I get in this mindset of like, well just be better, Kirsten, just fix your fucking issues and be better. And that way of thinking has not yet worked for me, other than to make me feel terrible about myself. But it's like this, December for me involves a lot of socializing and meeting new people and I have convinced myself that I hate to socialize and meet new people and that is absolutely not true. This is like part of the cage I built for myself, right? I love meeting new people. I love socializing. It terrifies me because in the instant that these people meet me I will be all like sparkle and fun and cool and nice and kind and that like is part of me that is my true self. But there is also this dark twisty shadow side that I'm grappling with that they will not need. That will come out later. Oh, that'd be a bummer. That'd be a bummer. She's not all sparkly all the time. And that's generally how I feel and I even feel that way around my family. Like, there was a night over Christmas where they were here, and it was like so great that they were here and I just like, I'm… y'all I am dealing with this panic disorder the best I can, COVID has made it a million times worse than it has been in so many years. And I just, it's hard. And I just like I couldn't, I didn't want to go anywhere. And I had to say that, because I just couldn't, like I couldn't rally within me, I couldn't force myself to go somewhere and I had to just say it, and it was just like, I felt like I was letting everyone down. I'm putting everyone down, just by being me. And I went on this like whole thing where I was like, and this is why I don't make new friends. Like this is why I don't date and this is why, you know, like, I can't be close with my family. It's like because I'm just going to disappoint everyone by being who I am, because who I am is not good enough to be around other people because I have issues.

(11:04)

And it's like, well, newsflash, everyone has issues, if there is someone who genuinely thinks that they have no issues like I, I'd love to read your book, I guess, like, tell me how that's been going, because I think it's just like, this is the human experience and there are emotions, and there is mess, and we are all dealing with things, and many of us are dealing with things that that nobody, nobody knows, like, people don't know from one conversation with you, and people don't know from looking at you, and just, like, you can have a lot going on. And I even like I get so judgmental of my folks and like, can you just stop talking about your issues on your podcast, Kirsten? Because people are gonna, like, not, like, people are not gonna like you, right? And it's just, it's exhausting. It is exhausting to try to be okay all of the time. And it's exhausting to think that like, if you're not okay for five minutes then for the next, like, two weeks you better be okay because you just showed your weakness. Like, I just, I don't want to keep doing that. And that is why going into 2022, the only thing I want to focus on is how I am good enough. I'm unfinished. We're all unfinished, right? We're all growing and changing and I hope I continue to grow and change and become more me, and to love myself more and to just feel free and just like not worry about society and people, and again, like this is all degrees, right? Because, like, to some extent, I don't worry about what other people think, with like a lot of things like in my work, I really don't stress about it that much. Okay, maybe just my work, in my work, I don't stress about it. I'm like, I'm good at work. I don't worry about what people think, I do things differently. I'm cool with that. But when it comes to like, my core, like, who I am, who I am inside. It's not that I worry about what people think. It's that I've decided, people will find out I am not perfect, personally, and they will decide that that's not good enough. And they don't want to be my friend or they don't want to be in my life. And I'm too much or it's too, whatever, dramatic, chaotic, hard. And that has held me back from so many things, it has held me back from so many things and like, the world, life is not binary, right? It's not like yes and no, like, it's not like binary one zero. It's not binary one zero, right? And I say that because it's not like, oh, my life is so terrible. Nothing's going well blah, blah. Lots of things are great. I am very grateful. I have some really great friends. Obviously I love Calix very much. I work on some really cool projects, like all those things can be true. And I can also be like, tormented by my inner demons. I can be scared about the future. I can feel like I'm not doing exactly what I meant to do for my business and I'm not sure what that means. I can feel all those things at the exact same time, and they're all valid. And it's all true. And like, it's just about where, where you let people focus, and I tend to carefully think about what to show people, right? And just sure, like, maybe occasionally we'll occasionally let's get a little vulnerable but like if you're plotting it out is it really that vulnerable, right? Because it's it's just hard and it feels confusing to like have so much mess, and also have so much together at the same time, like within a day like be the assortment of emotions thoughts, feelings, processing that I can have going on, it's just, it's a lot and I don't think that I am unique I think this is for many people and what I realized over the past month, I don't know if it's the end of the year, I don't know if it's was turning 34, like, whatever it was, is that there are a lot of things that I want that I don't have and it's because I don't think I'm good enough to have them, and I wanted to share that with you all because I think going into the new year especially it's really easy to get caught up in like these checklists of like fixing ourselves, and like like coming up with all of our shortcomings and like what we could do better and like sometimes it's things we want to achieve, right? But it's, I think there's like a healthy mindset to do that with and like an unhealthy mindset, and the unhealthy mindset is like I'm broken and I need to be fixed, I need to be better maybe it's even for yourself like you want to be better for yourself but like that like a deficit mindset of like I am not good enough right now as I am, is like not the place to set intentions from.

(17:08)

Like, to me, set intentions from like, I want to feel more this way. I want to do these things that light me up, I just want to love myself and I don't care how I get there like I just I want to I want to love myself, right? And I think that this is, I don't know, if you're a recovering perfectionist like I am, or I think it's common just with like a lot of women and entrepreneurs and empaths and people who are highly sensitive it's just this shadow that, like, there is this darkness and it's like there can be no light without darkness, like, you can have all these different sides, it's all okay and you can commit to one thing and the New Year, commit to yourself, commit to embracing your whole self just as you are, stop apologizing, stop feeling bad, stop making excuses, it's just… this is, these are all parts of you and your feelings and your thoughts and your fears, like,  they aren't you, like, they aren't you and your essence, your core, right? And so to me, it's just about not becoming a better version of yourself, just becoming a more you version of yourself, becoming more of you, letting go of the fears and the constructs and the shoulds and just allowing yourself to be who you are, and yeah, like own up to miss steps or, you know, I don't know, I will own up to times when I'm like, feel like I've been overly dramatic or reckless or hasty, rash, whatever, right? But also like not judging yourself for that.

(19:41)

Like, I think we all need to be kinder to ourselves, the world will be unkind enough to you. Life is hard enough. Be on your own team. So as you are gearing up for this new year, I'm going to gear up, I'm excited to make a vision board and journal and reflect, but I am excited to focus on me and just getting to be more me. And healing and growth and like part of me just wants to like laugh at that because I'm like, I'm always healing and growing, and it's just, that's, that's life. We're never… you're never gonna arrive, right? Like, in some sense that you'll never arrive, and in others like you have arrived, like, you are here right now, as you are and you continue to grow and change, and if you can give yourself kindness and grace and compassion and it can feel good. And if you can accept that it's not always gonna feel good and it's okay that doesn't feel good, I think that will be even better. It'll just be… peace. You are good enough. Love yourself. That's the message for 2022. That's the energy for going into 2022. Just keep allowing, and know working towards being more you. You don't have to be better. You can't be better. You are you're at your best right now, you're doing that daggone best you can. But you can be more you, more your true self.