Season 1: Ep.14 - On Affirmations

(00:28)

Hello and welcome back to Graceful Rulebreakers. I'm your host, Kirsten Lee Hill, and today I want to talk to you about affirmations. Now, many of us, when we hear the word affirmation, we immediately think about positive affirmations or mantras. You know, the nice things we say or think to ourselves to pump ourselves up. But, as the amazing Louise Hay points out; everything, literally everything, you say or even think to yourself is an affirmation. Positive or negative. The first thing I thought when I heard her talk about this, and every time I remember it is; shoot, I mean, how many times a day do I declare I'm stressed? Or… Oh my gosh, I'm such an idiot. Or I'll never be able to do that, I'm a hot mess. I'll give you a hint; many, many times. So, basically every day for a good chunk of time, I am affirming things that I definitely don't want to be true or that I don't even completely wholly believe, but I'm just expressing some sort of frustration or dissatisfaction in that moment.

I liken these quote, unquote, 'negative affirmations' to negative self-talk. And today I want to unpack this a bit and focus in on two paths of affirmation; one negative, which can really derail us from our life's work and being happy. And the other, positive, something we can use to combat negative self-talk. Negative self-talk is anything you say or think to yourself that is not very nice, supportive or loving. It's kind of like those affirmations I mentioned just a minute ago; I can't do this. I'm so stupid. Even things like, why did I do that? Gosh, I can't believe I did that. What was I thinking? I should be better at this. I shouldn't have slacked off so much. Eaten that cake. Said that. There are infinite ways you can beat up on yourself with your words or your thoughts. An easy rule of thumb is; should phrases, like, I should have done this. I should be doing this or really anything that you say or think that makes you feel low or bad about yourself; that is probably negative self-talk. And believe me, I know that sometimes it can feel like berating yourself is a twisted form of motivation. If you're hard on yourself, then you might think that you'll learn that X was unacceptable and you will do better next time. I know I've thought that, like, if I really beat myself up over procrastinating on this project, then maybe next time I won't procrastinate.

(03:05)

Experience says, that's not how it works. Here's the truth; when you're critical of yourself, you just bring yourself down, and hey, don't beat yourself up about that either. It's okay. We all negative self-talk from time to time. And the key is just to become more aware of how you're talking to yourself and about yourself. And when you recognize yourself being mean about yourself or spiraling into this space of criticism, pause and take a breath. Seriously, take a breath. Don't make yourself wrong for thinking or saying negative things, just recognize and observe. And then, and this is the second point I wanted to make today, reframe what you're thinking into a positive affirmation. I am really, and I mean really, into positive affirmations. I write them. I say them. I put them as backgrounds on my phone and computer. I wear them on bracelets. I have alarms that go off on them. I have post-its with them. You get the picture. I purposely surround myself with super nice words about myself, because my mind, my ego is not always nice. And I don't want that temporary negativity or doubt to create my reality. I really believe that we should embrace all of our feelings, all of our worries, all of our fears, right? Don't bury the mean and scary things you say to yourself, or that you think about the world around you. Acknowledge it.

(04:50)

And when you catch yourself, let's say being a jerk, don't latch on and start beating yourself up for being a jerk to yourself, right? Like don't fall down this rabbit hole of catastrophizing everything, or this… this rabbit hole of negativity. Just take a beat and reach for something more positive. Declare that everything is going to be okay, even though it doesn't feel that way in the moment, even though you feel embarrassed or badly that you've done something wrong, or like a failure, or whatever it is that you're feeling, that is not the ideal way you want to be feeling in the moment is completely valid, but it is temporary and it is going to be okay. I think there is a common misconception about positive affirmations that it involves lying to yourself or being ignorant; wearing rose colored glasses so you don't have to see imperfections in yourself, or the inhumanity, cruelty, downright wrongs in the world.

I disagree. There are a lot of bad things happening around the world and in our own backyards, and you are sure as hell entitled to think that that sucks and to get mad, and to be angry, and to feel upset and down about it. But you have a choice; love or fear, light or darkness. Cling to the negativity and bad feelings or accept them. And I want you to accept them, so that you can let them go and fight like hell to change the status quo, and not let fear and darkness run our lives and the world. I'm not asking that you pretend like everything is sunshine and rainbows and butterflies. There are wrongs that we need to right. Some things are bad. There are massive, massive, massive changes we need to work towards in the world. I'm suggesting that you interrogate the idea that your thoughts really do create your reality, and be more aware of how you talk to and about yourself, and your world to watch your words and your thoughts, and see how they impact the space around you.

(07:27)

I know as like, a silly small example, if I wake up in the morning… and this has happened to me a lot of times, but I wake up in the morning, sometimes the first thing I do in the morning, honest to God, is spill my water cup and, like, shatter a glass. It often happens when I am late to something and I'm moving very quickly, and like trying to get things done and kind of stressed, and I will just like literally shatter a Mason jar. And here's my point; some mornings, I respond to this by being super fricking annoyed and mad at the world, and the world is conspired against me, and like, now there's glass everywhere and water everywhere and it's such a pain, and like, get really negative about it, right? And when I do that and I cling to that negativity, the rest of my day doesn't usually go so hot, right? Whereas, there are other mornings, and I aspire to have more mornings like this, where I shatter a glass and make a mess at a very inopportune time, and I laugh and think… gosh, I really need to slow down. And I respond from a completely different space. I respond from a positive mindset and the rest of my day goes better.

(08:56)

We don't have control over what happens to us, and we have limited control over what happens in the world. We all should absolutely be playing our part to make it better. But at the end of the day, the one thing you can definitely control is how you react. So, when you catch yourself being mean or negative, don't judge yourself. Just pause and reframe the situation. Daniella LaPorte puts this so beautifully in her book, the desire map, and I want to read you this quick quote from her because I just love it. She writes,

"So, when you're jammed up or feeling hopeless, or blind with rage, play the desire card. I desire harmony. Confidence, please. Freedom, thank you."

It's the simple shift, instead of focusing on lack or what you don't want to feel, or on any negative feelings, thoughts and circumstances, just see these as part of your experience, just these tiny pieces of your experience and accept that this is where you're at. And that there is this thing that you messed up on, or this bad thing going on, or this really wild thing happening in the world, and ask for more and better. Ask for perspective. Ask for the strength to be strong and persist in challenging times. Ask for how you want to feel. State your intentions. Focus on what you do want or focus on how you do want to be. Don't get hung up on the negative.

(10:47)

So, if you're feeling really overwhelmed, a positive affirmation for you might be; all as well. If you're feeling panicky, maybe it's; I am safe. If you're feeling stupid, it might be; I am learning and growing, and I love and accept myself just as I am. If you're feeling like you're not good enough, maybe it's; I am exactly where I'm meant to be, I am worthy and deserving. If you are hating your job; I am open to wonderful and exciting new opportunities in my career. If you are frustrated with your family; I am in loving and balanced relationships. Again, there are endless possibilities here, and at the end of the day, it's thinking about; what do you want to affirm, right? Recognizing when you are affirming something negative and being able to take the pause and reframe it as something positive.

(11:52)

And I'm not saying to not acknowledge the negative, right? Acknowledge your frustration, anger, hate, sadness, whatever it is that you're feeling, just don't affirm it, bring it to light and allow yourself to shift your perspective. Can you imagine a day when every time you said or thought something mean or negative, you flip the script and instead said something positive, and reached for how you actually want to feel. I'm telling you, your day would go from sad, mad, frustrated, dark to one that is just filled with love and light and possibility. And this matters to Graceful Rulebreakers, to people who are working to make the world a better place, because when your day is filled with love and light, and support that you were giving to yourself, you can see the darkness in the world; you can acknowledge that it is there, and then you can fight it. The best way in my opinion, to get rid of negative self-talk and just really start practicing, flipping the negative affirmations to positive affirmations, is to journal.

So, to journal in this way, you might start out by just making a list of anything that you say or think about yourself or your life, or even the world that is not very nice. That kind of like, makes you feel heavy and drags you down. For me, whenever I'm doing writing exercises like this, I like to set a timer for five minutes because it feels very manageable. Like, if I said 15 minutes, I might start thinking… Hmmm, I don't really have 15 minutes in my day, so I'm just not gonna be able to do this. Whereas five, it's like… okay, I can find five minutes to sit down and do this, it will be fine. So, I'll set a timer for five minutes and just free-write, making a list of like any of these negative thoughts, feelings that I'm having, and like literally articulating, what is it that I am saying in my mind or out loud, that is negative.

(14:12)

The next step in this is to then rewrite those negative statements as something positive. This is your reframe. So you're basically like crossing out the negative things you've been affirming and flipping them into something positive. And again, this is kind of like the examples I gave earlier. Like for me, I have panic disorder and anxiety, and so I… a lot of times, when I'm thinking like…Oh my God, I'm panicking, or I'm so overwhelmed, or I'm so stressed, I just flip it and I just start on repeat; I am safe. All is well. I am safe. All is well. And that's a brilliant reframe that has helped me so, so much. Or when I'm struggling with feeling like I am not where I'm supposed to be in life, or I should be doing better than this, or I really messed up, and… God, like, I just can't believe I messed up. Those types of things I reframe to: I am doing the best that I know how in this moment, and I am exactly where I'm meant to be.

And the key here is that you want your reframes of the negative things that you're thinking to resonate with you. And the words that resonate with me and statements, mantras, positive affirmations, might not resonate with you, and that's okay. It's really like a, “Do it yourself.” Think about what works for you, but hone in on, like, these are the like thoughts and words that I'm feeding myself every day, that are shaping my reality, that are helping me to live a more positive or a more negative experience, and start being mindful of what lifts you up and makes you feel better. What statements can you say that bring you peace? And the one caveat I will add here is; if you're like me and sometimes you overly intellectualize things, or really just, think really hard on things, the positive affirmations don't have to be a hundred percent true in this moment, and you don't have to a hundred percent believe them in this moment for them to start working.

(16:43)

I tell you what, when I'm having a panic attack and I'm sitting there saying, I am safe, I am safe, I am safe. I absolutely do not in that moment, a hundred percent feel that I am safe. However, I am willing, to be willing, to believe that that is true, right? Like I'm opening the door to the possibility that this more positive option is true. And that's the key with positive affirmations, to practice them, to make them things that you want to be true, and that feel good to you.

Lauren Wardell, who is one of my favorite personal development, spiritual leaders says:

 "Change your mindset. Change your life. Change the world." 

And that to me, is what this work is about. You are here in this world to do amazing, important things and we need you to show up, and do these amazing, important things. And for you to be able to show up fully and powerfully, your mindset has to be right. And by right, I mean, positive. Your mindset needs to be strong so you can be resilient in the face of challenges. Words are incredibly powerful. How you talk about yourself and to yourself, it matters. And you don't have to completely believe that, right in this moment, but I would encourage you to try it on for size. What happens when you are kinder to yourself. What happens when you affirm positive things instead of negative things, and just be an observer. See how your life and your experiences change when you were able to cultivate that reframing of situations into what you want to see or feel.

(19:08)

When you are doing work that pushes back on the status quo and challenging how things are, and thinking differently and being innovative; there will be enough people being critical of you, I promise, you don't need to be one of those people. So, be on your own side and stack the odds in your favor by being kind, just be so kind to yourself and remember that it's a process. You're probably not going to be perfect at this right off the bat, or possibly ever and that's okay. The compassion that you show yourself is what matters, and that's what's going to make a difference in the long run.