Season 1: Ep.15 - On Investing

(00:28)

Hello, and welcome back to Graceful Rulebreakers. My name is Kirsten Lee Hill, and I am so excited to have you with me today for another episode. I tell you what, I have been watching a lot of Matthew Hussey lately. I don't know if y'all know about him. I've been following him for… gosh, probably close to 10 years; a really long time, definitely before he hit it big, for sure. He is an absolutely brilliant and very funny man. He's a love and relationship expert, so to speak, but gives a lot of great advice just about how you can live your best life in general. And I've been rewatching a lot of his videos lately, so I guess you can imagine how my dating life is going. Excellent, right? Just… just excellent.

Anyways, he has this rule that he talks about that I really, really love. And granted, he's talking about it in the context of personal relationships, but I really think it applies to anything in our life. It's called the one day wager. Basically, it's the idea that you invest all of your time, energy, emotion, connection, like you invest your being into something, or in his case someone, that's let's say a 50% match for you and hope that one day it'll be everything you need. Now, Matthew describes this one day wager as the riskiest wager you can possibly make with yourself and your time, and your energy, and your effort. Because you're investing all of it, hoping that one day things will change. Now, I really like thinking about this in terms of business and also just our lives in general. Our time here is so short and precious. I mean, gosh, look at what happened with the whole of 2020. You know, this pandemic just completely came and changed all of our lives. And I really believe that every day we have here on this earth is a gift.

(02:37)

If health is your most valuable resource, which I definitely think it is, time is the most valuable gift that you can give someone. And when you give your time and effort to situations that aren't giving you what you need, or what you want, I think that's a lot more detrimental than we might think it is. I think in particular about a work situation that I was in for a good bit, and I put in so much time and effort. I tried so hard. I really believed in the cause and I wanted this company to be successful, and I was just working so hard and putting every ounce of my being into this project. And all I wanted, like, all I wanted was to feel appreciated and valued. And I wasn't. I wasn't getting that from them. And therefore I just kept putting in more and more time and effort, and working harder and thinking… Oh, if I keep giving and giving all this, obviously they're going to appreciate and value me. They're going to one day… one day… one day, they're going to wake up and realize that I'm so amazing, and have done all this great work. And I tell you what, that day never came. But also, I pulled the investment because you can't wait for one day. This is your life. You need to assert what you want, and be clear about what you need and ask for it. But if you don't get it, you’ve got to walk away.

(04:17)

I think that there is nothing more important than acting in alignment with your beliefs and learning to communicate what you need, and give people the grace and kindness, and opportunity to change. I do. I remember in this situation, I was just talking about, I went in and said, "I need to feel like this matters and that I'm valued, and that I'm appreciated." And they're like, "Yeah, yeah, we hear you. Totally get that. Totally makes sense." Right? And it was just, you know, you getting it… I get that you need to know your work matters. Great. Just tell me my work matters. How hard would it be in that moment to just be like, "You know what? I hear you, we do really value and appreciate you. And we're going to address this." Right? Like people can change. People can meet your needs, but you can't control whether or not they do it.

And I remember I just, I cringe thinking about how many times I felt like I was just like begging to be valued. And I cringe because it was just, I kept giving my all and just absolutely not getting what I needed. And there was one of these meetings where afterwards, when I again was just like exasperated and just practically begging to have some acknowledgement for all that I was putting in, and I'm crying in the stairwell and thinking… gosh, I think this work is so important. I think I'm doing a really good job, but I just can't keep feeling like trash. Just please, please, please let them acknowledge that I matter. And they didn't. And I had to pull the investment and I think some people, some jobs, some clients, whatever, can't give you what you need and that's okay, right? It doesn't make anyone bad or wrong, it just means it's not for you. It's not a match, right? You could get mad about it, and it's not that it's wrong to get mad about it. But to me, it's just, I'm already exhausted. I'm not getting what I need. I'm not going to get mad about it. It's just like, okay… I need to pull my investment, the job, the client, the people, whoever it is in the situation, they're not going to ask you to pull your investment, because they're getting all of your amazing time and energy, and attention. It's great. They're getting what they want. It's you. You're not getting what you want or what you need.

(06:59)

And, this is what makes me think about how there is only one person you should make this one day wager with. And that one person is yourself. And the reason I think you can make it on yourself is because… gosh, I hope you can bet on yourself and your ideas, and your truth, and just feel in your bones, that what you are doing is the right thing, that how you are showing up, is how you were meant to show up. And there is no wasted investment in yourself. I mean, I take the one day wager on myself all the time. I think, if I leave that client and I focus on what I'm good at and I'm kind, and I work hard and I do my best, then one day it will pay off. And the difference is, is that even though there are some momentary, sometimes it feels a little longer than momentary, but these moments of pain and suffering… you know, financially or mentally, because you don't feel like anyone wants you and you're not good enough, and you know, there are moments like that. But at the end of the day, I control my day. I get to spend my time how I want to, and I get to feel good about the investment I'm making. And that is just such a beautiful, beautiful gift. And so the one day becomes like, yeah… one day I think what I'm doing right now will pay off. But also, I'm enjoying the investment that I'm making in myself today. I get to be happy today and not just one day, right? You can have both. You can be happy today, and also you can be happy one day when everything else has panned out.

(08:41)

Something I hear a lot from people, especially people who are in a situation that they are not getting what they need, and I think they realize they're making the one day wager, and hoping that if they struggle and suffer, and put in their dues now and do everything that's expected of them and more, that one day it will get better. They'll come to me and say, "You know, Kirsten, you're so brave. You're so courageous. How do you just walk away from this comfort and security, and not know what's going to happen? Like, you don't have anything lined up. There's not another job. There's not another other client. You're just walking away. You're leaving money on the table. You must have some secret money, right?" And the truth is no, I haven't, no secret, like, plan or savings, or anything, right? The honest to God truth is, that it is really not a difficult decision. And maybe it's courageous and brave, you know, I should probably just own that. But for me, what it really is, is that when you get so in touch and clear on your values and what is important to you, it is exceedingly painful to act in a way that is not in alignment with them.

(10:03)

I'm an empath. I feel so deeply, and the pain of acting out of alignment with what I value is so great, that honestly, I don't even feel like I have a choice in the matter. So it's like, am I brave for not going on the traditional path? Maybe. But I also don't feel like I have another option. It's too painful. And I tell you what, I've tested this out before, because I have had, you know, a normal office job. It lasted for maybe six months; I don't even know if it was that long, and it was truthfully, so, so soul crushing. And I took it because I was scared, which should have been my first sign that I shouldn't have taken it, but I took it because I was scared, and I was making this one day wager, every day, multiple times a day, thinking; even though they don't appreciate me or really care about what I think, and they just have me copying and pasting things in Excel all day. No joke. I had a PhD and I was copying and pasting things in Excel all day. I kept thinking; one day, they're going to realize that I'm really smart and I work hard, and I have a lot to offer and I'm going to get to be in the exciting meetings, and I'm going to get to make changes and make the world a better place, so that's going to be great. I can only keep that fantasy going for so long. Like, at some point I… I mean, I was drinking a ton. I'm not a big drinker. I was drinking a lot when I got home from work, and I just felt like my soul was dying. It was just, who am I? This is what I… what I show up for? This is how I spend my day? This just… this can't be it. It's not worth it.

(11:50)

And so I resigned, and I went on to spend a year not making enough money to cover my bills. And it was hard, you know, but it's, it's all relative. I am very aware that I have privilege on my side. I'm a young, single woman. I don't have family to provide for. I'm white, so a lot of privilege right there, I have access to a lot of credit; thank you American express. And, you know, I can afford to struggle for a while and that doesn't make it comfortable, but I can do it, and I completely realize that that is a privilege. And I also can really only speak to my situation. I just feel like I was put here on this earth to do something, and I can't wait for someone to decide I've earned the opportunity, or hope that if I put my head down and work hard enough on someone else's agenda for long enough, eventually I'll get to have my own agenda. I'm just, I'm not making that one day wager. I'm investing my time and my energy and my effort in myself, and I'm going to keep showing up and I'm going to keep being authentic and doing what I can to make the world a better place, and most importantly, I'm going to feel good about how I spend my time and I'm going to feel like I am doing the best I can in a way that is in alignment with myself.

(13:15)

So, if you're listening to this and you're thinking… Oh my gosh, I am making a lot of one-day wagers in my life. I'm investing so much time and energy in people in places where I'm not happy, and I'm not getting what I need, and I'm just not getting where I want to go. I think it would be really helpful for you to take the time, to look inside and see what matters to you. What do you value? What do you want? What do you need? What is your dream day? And start thinking about how you can infuse more and more of that into your day. Maybe you have the luxury to rip the bandaid off like I did, and just get rid of all the one-day wagers that you shouldn't be making. If you do, amazing. Go for it. But if you don't, just think about carving out, even if it's only five minutes of your day, to just intentionally create the life you want to live. Focus on what lights you up and what feels good and start giving that space. I think that there are rituals and practices that can really ground us in our dreams and in the life we want to live. And I, I really believe that your thoughts and your beliefs create the reality that you live in. So, finding this five minutes to carve out space for you and what you want, creates a space for it to expand. It plants the seed for possibilities of what your life can become, and it shows that you are a priority.

(15:10)

Your only job is to get clear on what you want and practice moving away from what you don't. Focus on investing more in you, because you know that will pay off. And if you're investing in others, that's great. I invest in others too, but make sure that there is a balanced, loving exchange and that you're not just like getting all of the energy and hope sucked out of you. Choose happiness. Choose yourself. And choose now. Don't wait, one day is today. So, what can you do today that is good? What can you do today, that would make you smile and feel light, and feel happy? And just do it. Just do it. And then, do more of it and just keep practicing and see how the world around you changes, and know that discomfort will come and it won't be perfect, and it's not like, no bad or frustrating things will ever happen again, but you will be able to bounce back, and you will have that clarity of the vision of where you are going, to ground you in a reality that is infinitely more fulfilling.