Season 1: Ep.18 - On Perfectionism

(00:28)

Welcome back to Graceful Rulebreakers. I'm your host, Kirsten Lee Hill. And this week is a little bit of a different and special episode. I have been suffering with a really, really debilitating migraine for the past four or five days, and you know, when that happens or sometimes moments of like lightness, which I really embrace, and during one of these moments, I recorded a voice memo, just kind of riffing on, um… judgment and perfectionism on my phone, and I want to share it with you all. And typically behind the scenes of my podcast, I will like riff on voice memos and then transcribe, and like, flesh out some key points and try to tighten it up a little bit to do a show. And I didn't do that this time, because I'm still recovering from this migraine, and to me, it's really important to put out a new episode every Tuesday, and so I want to honor that, and also, you know, kind of divinely, this episode is about not being perfect. And so, this episode will be perfectly flawed. I hope you enjoy it. I appreciate you all so much. And yeah, here we go.

(01:58)

So for today's episode, I want to talk about judgment and in particular, how we judge ourselves. As many of you know, I call myself a recovering perfectionist because for so much of my life, the majority of my life was really just me wanting to be perfect and do everything perfectly. And I was so incredibly hard on myself when I didn't live up to these completely unreasonable expectations of myself. Even things like getting sick or getting a migraine, or having a panic attack, whatever it was felt like this personal shortcoming that made me not good enough. And that's really judgmental, right? Like, I'm not good enough because of these things that aren't even really in my control, right? Like, I just felt this crushing pressure to hold everything together and like not be emotional, and be strong and like never get sick, never fall down, like everything is always okay, and I'm always holding it together.

And like, to me, that's because I'm judging myself, right? I'm being judgmental, and I think that in our lives we can be really hard on ourselves and we tend to be really critical about what we're doing, and what we're not doing. And to think, that in order to be successful or happy, we have to achieve this perfection, right? Or to think that the reason we're not successful or happy is because something is wrong with us, like it's our fault we haven't made the right choices or we're not doing the right things, or we're making mistakes. And to me, it just feels like we're just like drowning in our own judgment and criticism, and making ourselves wrong for how we feel, and I really think we all have to consider not doing that anymore.

(03:58)

I studied philosophy in college and have thought a lot about, like, control and what we can control, and what we can't control. I really think that most of the time, maybe not all the time, because that's like such a big statement, I would want to think on it more before saying anything definitively, but I really don't believe that we can control how we feel or like emotions that can come up for us, right? So, when emotions come up, they're like coming up to tell us something and alert us to something, and we can feel just so strongly and be moved to do things or to be sad, or to be scared, or to be happy, or to be excited whatever it is, you know, there are positive emotions and negative emotions and feelings, and I don't find it particularly helpful to make ourselves wrong for those, just like I don't find it helpful to make ourselves wrong for like getting sick or making a mistake, right? These are things that happen and maybe in part, they happen because of choices they make, but they happen, and they don't really say anything about who you are as a person, but we're so used to just judging every single thing about us, right?

(05:28)

I mean, even think about things that you want in life, right? I love thinking about this and this is an example because I think we make ourselves wrong a lot of the time, and judge what we want in life. Like, you want to make money or you're a single independent woman and you really want a relationship, or you want to have particular needs of yours met. There's nothing like on the surface wrong with any of those things at all, but it's really easy to slip into making yourself wrong for wanting things that other people say you quote, unquote, 'shouldn't want,' right? And so there's just like a million different ways in which we can pile on and judge, and be critical for ourselves. And I think a lot of this is that because, in life we tend to take on other people's feelings and perceptions, and like their limitations, and we take those on as our own, even though in our hearts that's not really what we feel or believe.

(06:43)

I honestly think that at the end of the day, we can be, do, have anything that we want, right? And the only thing standing in our own way is us, and the easiest, easiest way to get out of our own way is to just stop judging ourselves across the board. Like, don't judge yourself about anything, instead look at your choices and feelings inquisitively, and be like, it's really interesting how triggered or angry, or excited I'm feeling about this, or… huh, this is curious, like, I'm feeling a lot of shame over this thing that I want; what's going on? Why do I feel this way? I feel really sad. What is it about me that is making me feel sad? And just to go and look inward, because truthfully I think our outer world reflects our inner reality, right? So, whatever we're seeing and experiencing in the world is a mirror to what's going on inside of us and the emotions, and thoughts that come up are these like signals or guideposts to be like… hey, like, there's something going on with you as a human inside that you need to turn your attention to.

(08:10)

So, something I think about is in life when I feel like people are being mean to me, or I'm attracting toxic people into my life who aren't giving me validation or treating me with kindness, it's actually a huge signal to me personally, to think about…hmm, am I not being nice enough to myself? Like, how am I thinking and treating myself, because it can't be that good if this is what I'm attracting, right? Like, how could I adjust this? Because I don't think these things in my life would be happening if I wasn't putting that out into the world. And I think about this with migraines too, which I've mentioned are like a huge struggle of mine, is like, they're trying to tell me something and I don't always know what it is, right? I think sometimes it's just slow down, or if you read Louise Hay, you know, it's not, don't put so much pressure on yourself, right? So, it's these signals that are like manifesting in my life to turn my attention to something. And I know that this sounds so, you know, woo woo or free spirited. But to me, candidly, whether you buy into the line of thinking or not, this curiosity and introspection is a really useful lens to look at your life through.

(09:31)

I believe that rather than judgment, our default needs to be curiosity, right? Like, look at your life and what's happening in your life with curiosity, and just kind of like unpack everything and look at what is shaping your world right now. You know, I look at my life right now and in so many ways I feel just incredibly, incredibly blessed. I have all these gifts and this magic and it's just like #blessed, okay, I'll say it. And there are other times when I look at my life and I think… wow, I am not at all where I thought I would be right now. Like, I don't have what I want, I'm not where I want to be.…what the heck, right? And then I pause and reflect on this, and I truly think that the extent to which I don't have what I want right now, is the extent to which I have not allowed it into my life. And I'm not going to judge myself for it because life is a journey and we are where we are. But If you want to be something, like for me, I really want to be a New York times bestselling author, putting it out there publicly right now. I really want to be and I'm not, right? So, let's start to unpack this. Well, for starters, I haven't written a book, so it's kind of hard to be a New York times bestseller, if you haven't written a book. So there's a reason right there. But then it's like, well, why haven't I written a book? It's because I'm stopping myself. We stop ourselves all the time.

(11:17)

And we stop ourselves because we feel wrong for what we want, or we feel like we don't deserve what we want, we're not good enough, and we have to wait to be good enough. It's like waiting for this magic moment when the world is going to green light everything, and it's going to be like… green light, now it's time. I'm allowed to have everything I want. I've reached this Nirvana of being capable of receiving my every desire, and the thing is, and I say this as someone who's very much still on the journey, like I'm not currently wildly successful or rich, or influential, i'm doing the best I can… try, I try to show up and give what I can and be authentic to myself. But I say this as someone who's on the journey, that I think I'm not any of those things, I think the things I don't have are because I'm not ready yet. Somewhere inside me, I don't believe I deserve those successes, those riches that love, right? Because if I thought I deserved all of it and I trusted I could handle it, then I would have it. And so my job in life is to get ready and to start thinking about; why am I afraid that I'm not good enough to have what I want?

(12:37)

Like, why do I think I'm not good enough? Why do I think that I can't have, or can't handle the things that I really want, right? And so some of the reasons that come up for me personally, it's like, I'm not smart enough. I need to know more. I need to know everything possible before I can become an expert in my space. That's a belief that I have, and it's a belief that's not true, right? Like, you don't have to know everything, no one can ever know everything, right? You don't have to know everything to be an expert, but it can feel like you have to know everything before you put yourself out there, right? Or if I think about; why do I feel like I'm not worthy of being loved in a romantic relationship? And it's like, because I got some issues, I got some issues and I'm still dealing with and working through, and my mind's like… I'm not this perfect Oasis of calmness and serenity all the time. I can be a lot, and so I couldn't possibly be loved, right? I couldn't possibly be an expert. I couldn't possibly be loved. Like, there are all these stories that we tell ourselves, and no matter what your story is, the core of all of these is the same thing; the core is this untrue thought we have, that we're not good enough as we are right now. That we are not good enough for the thing that we want, and that if one day, if we keep working hard enough, if we keep pushing harder, if we keep running ourselves into the ground and overachieving, and reading every personal development book there is, and going to therapy, and just keep winning, winning, doing everything… then one day, one day, I'm going to be good enough and I'm going to get what I want.

(14:23)

And I tell you what, that's how I've lived my life. I mean, it really is. And I tell you, I have this just, I will say unhealthy motivation to achieve, and to just like to collect accomplishments and hope that one day day they will make me whole, right? I have a PhD, I got a PhD and I tell you what, it didn't make me feel good enough. And then after that, I went and got certified as a yoga instructor for children and then for adults, because I wanted to prove that I was accomplished in personal development, and like to have some validation for all of the spiritual practices I did. And I didn't feel good enough then either. And it doesn't matter how many publications or awards, or certificates that I get; I don't ever feel good enough, and I don't ever feel good enough because that's a core belief within me that I need to work on. Feeling good enough as I am right now because no person, no external thing is ever going to green light your life for you. It's absolutely not going to happen.

(15:40)

And you can continue chasing accomplishments, I mean, gosh… I think about going for like a second PhD or getting an MBA, or going to law school all the time, but the truth is, I just want them so that like for a minute, I can feel like… ugh, I'm still great, I achieved this thing, I'm smart, I just achieved this thing, right? And really the lesson that I needed to learn is not to go to school for the rest of my life, but to green light life for myself. Because I can tell you from experience, that no amount of credentials are going to drown out your self-doubt, right? Like, there isn't going to be this level where you feel perfect. I have all of the knowledge, I did all the things, I am finished, there's nothing more I can do, there's nothing more I need to do, like I'm done, right? Like we're humans, the whole nature is that we are unfinished, right? And to think that life can't start for us, or really be fulfilling for us until we have reached this impossible standard of being finished, I mean, it's a heck of a lot of pressure to put on yourself, but it also just keeps delaying your happiness, you know? Life is beautiful. Being human is beautiful because we are always unfinished. And in any moment we can learn, change, grow, know better, do better, and that is so powerful and amazing, and what I want to say is that I think to commit to this growth in a healthy way, right? You have to give yourself permission to feel successful and permission to, like, not feel successful and not judge yourself either way. Just to be curious about what is going on inside of you, what is keeping you from what you want, why do you feel that you need to be perfect?

(18:09)

Why do you feel that you need all of these credentials, right? And you know, some people, there are good reasons to want credentials, right? It's not that you don't need any credentials, but make sure you're getting credentials because you want to, you know, pursue a love of knowledge, or learn some new skills, or maybe you absolutely need it for, you know, particular fields, like, that's okay. It's not that you can't want those things, but it's to know the reason for wanting them, because if you want them as proof that you are good enough, they're not proof that you're good enough. They're proof that you don't think you're good enough, right? And putting things off and judging yourself and being hypercritical, and just like this perfectionism is just keeping you from what you want, right? And honestly, like, who wants to be perfect? It's so boring to be perfect.

(19:12)

I know for me, like trying to be perfect is just like putting myself in a prison of my mind, and it's a mask, and it's this facade to put out to the world to be like; everything's fine, even when it's not, I'm great, everything's fine, and that's not helpful to anyone at all, right? That's not helpful to like, pretend like everything's okay, and that everything's perfect. I think, you know, that vulnerability piece and that humbleness that comes with learning and being introspective, like, that is what is powerful, right? Like, you don't know what you don't know. Like, that's powerful having that awareness that you don't know everything, and being willing to ask questions and being willing to share your story, even though it's messy, that's what's going to help people, right? You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to wait to inspire people. You don't need a million credentials to inspire people. And these things are stopping us, right? And they're stopping us because at our core, we just have this belief that we don't deserve what we want.

(20:42)

So give yourself the green light. You are ready just as you are, you know, continue to learn and grow, but do that because it lights you up and makes your life better, not because you're trying to reach this finish line where your dream life can begin, right? I think the commitment for all of us, myself included, is to be kind to ourselves, to stop judging ourselves and just accept who we are and where we are. I think it's immensely freeing to be in that space and it takes practice, and of course we will not get it perfectly, but it's going to allow us to start living the life we want now. And that curiosity is going to allow us to learn and understand why we don't have what we want, so that we can change and really intentionally create a life that we love.