Season 1: Ep.19 - On Quitting

(00:21)

Hello, and welcome back to Graceful Rulebreakers. I'm your host, Kirsten Lee Hill. Thank you for tuning into today's episode about quitting. I think all of us, even those of us who are really passionate about our work and our life path, have wanted to quit at one point or another. Life in business ebbs and flows, and sometimes it feels like you've hit a brick wall, like you are totally stuck and things are just not working out. It sucks. And it's also okay. It's temporary, right? Everything is. Even when temporary feels like an eternity. Things being stuck or not flowing, feeling like you want to quit and having doubts about your choices, and what you're doing, doesn't necessarily mean that you should just quit and walk away, but it might. So, how do you know if it's time to quit and give something new a go, or rather time to persist and keep going?

(01:28)

For me, full disclosure, I have wanted to quit a lot of different things in my life. And there are some things that I did quit, or I always like to put it as like retire or like resign from… retire sounds nicer. Um, but there are other things that I stuck it out. When I think about quitting, I always think about this really pivotal decision that came near the end of my time in my PhD program, we're talking January, graduation was in May. I was working on my dissertation and consistent with how my time at graduate school had been going; things were rough. Just, I had a time in graduate school y'all, there were things going on on all fronts of life, really. Um, and this particular day, I felt like everything was going wrong and I couldn't possibly keep going, and I was ready to quit. I was so close to the end and I knew how close I was to the end, but I just literally didn't think I could go, like, another minute, right? I was just so, so defeated. And I remember, I was walking home from the Trolley Station and I was crying and I'm walking up the stairs to my apartment, Googling when to quit on my iPhone, because I like to Google all of these really big, uh, philosophical questions to see what other people say about the matter. And I came across this book by Seth Godin called The Dip: A little book that teaches you when to quit and when to stick. And I was like, 'Perfect. Someone, teach me. Teach me when to quit. I think the time is now.' And so I got the book on Audible, I walked into my apartment and I just remember so vividly, like, shutting the door and then sitting like against the door. So like, haven't really been like… I'm in the apartment, but like, sitting on the other side of the door in the dark, still crying, like leaning against the door and just listening to this audible, trying to figure out if this super low point in my life was a dip and I could persist, and things would get better, or if this was the end of the line and I just needed to get out now.

(03:59)

If you haven't read the book, I want to first give a disclaimer that in hindsight, I don't actually agree with a lot of it. It's a bit too focused on how important it is to be number one. And if you can't be number one, then you should quit. And that's probably an unfair quick synopsis, but that's how I've been reading it lately, and I don't agree with that. But what I do like about the book is that it really pushes you to think about whether things are temporary setbacks, like a dip or whether your time, money and energy would truly be better focused elsewhere. Ultimately, after reading the book, listening to the book, it was a quick lesson I finished that night. I decided that I was in a dip. A really deep, dark dip, but a dip nonetheless, and no matter how painful it was or defeated I was feeling, I decided that I needed to keep going. And I'm glad that I kept going, I think that was definitely on my life path, I needed to keep going. But I really do think that if there's something that you're doing, that isn't aligned with your purpose and isn't making you happy, then it is great to quit and refocus your efforts and not something to feel bad or ashamed about at all. However, that being said, if something is feeling hard or it's not coming as quickly as you want it to come, it's just not flowing. I don't think that necessarily means you need to quit. Instead, I think you need to pause and ask yourself these three sets of questions;

(05:41)

First, how is your self-care? So, that means things like, are you getting enough rest? Are you taking time for yourself? Are you feeling burnt out? I honestly believe, easily 90% of the time when I'm feeling stuck and like things aren't flowing, it's because I've been needing to slow down and take better care of myself and haven't. And when I do stop and slow down, and take better care of myself, suddenly things start flowing again. So, when you're thinking about quitting, because things aren't going that well, and they're getting tough and just not flowing, the first step is this; pause to check in on your self-care. And depending on the answer to the question, you will likely then need to give yourself some self-care. So, maybe you can't take a whole day, but you could take a half day or an evening and just nourish yourself. Recharge, refresh, regain the capacity to look at your situation with a fresh perspective. Then, and here's the second side, after you are recharged and more up on your self-care game, check in and ask yourself, is this something that I really want, right?

(07:00)

Like, is this thing my life purpose? Is this thing that I'm thinking about quitting, something I'm passionate about? Does it light me up? Do I think it matters? Am I making a valuable contribution to the world? If the answers to these questions is yes, then well… hey, this is another sign that quitting is not what you need to do. If the answer to these questions is no, then it's time to consider actually quitting, right? And to start thinking about what is something that I really want, that lights me up, that is my purpose, so that I can go focus my attention on that, instead of this thing, that's really hard and is making me miserable and isn't my life's work. Lastly, I want you to ask yourself why. Why do I feel like quitting? You're refreshed. You know, you were doing something that you were passionate about now. Great. So you, maybe you get here and you're like, 'I'm actually ready to go. I no longer feel like quitting. I'm refreshed. I'm passionate about this thing.’ It's totally possible. The magic of self-care is real. Burnout is very real, especially when you were doing world changing work. But let's say you've gone through the self-care and the pause, you've checked in about your passion and you still aren't convinced that you should persist.

(08:24)

Well, it's time to unpack that. Tune into why you feel like quitting. Why is such an important question? It allows us to be curious and tap into our feelings. What is the root cause, like, when we really drill down and peel back all these layers, what is it that's making me feel like quitting? Do I want to quit because nobody's reaching out and wanting what I'm offering? Is it because I've been rejected so many times that I just can't take anymore rejection? Is my heart just not in it? Or am I just wanting to quit because I'm so effing tired. Once you know the answer to this why question, you can troubleshoot. You can think about what you can do differently so that you feel on track. You feel successful. You feel happy. Really dig in and take an inventory of how you're spending your time, what you're working on. Maybe you need to pivot some things. Maybe you need to reach out to people and ask for help. Maybe you need a redesign or maybe you just need to work on some advertising. In these situations where I've drilled down to why, and I'm like, 'Okay, this is, like, the pain point. This is what's making me want to stop.' I like to ask myself, like, within that area, what is something I can do that would be a quick win? Something that would affirm… yes, I am meant to do this.

A lot of times for me, I'll do free coaching sessions and workshop a survey with someone, or help them drill down on questions they want to ask… um, for research or evaluation, because when I'm in that moment, coaching people, I'm like, 'Yes, of course, this is what I'm meant to do.' The problem is, I need to be better on social media, right? So, doing something to help you feel in your zone and your flow can really, really help with this last piece. So, quick recap; three buckets of questions, check in on your self-care. How is your self-care going? Check in about your passion. Is this something that I really want to do? Is this my life purpose? And then check in on your why. What is the real reason that you feel like quitting and what can you do to combat that feeling?

(11:04)

Here's the thing, and I want to say this again because I don't think it's bad to be a quitter, and I think they're… it's just, even saying, like, be a quitter sounds so negative. I don't think it's bad to walk away and make new choices when something is not serving you. In fact, I think there are times when you a hundred percent definitely should quit. I think we should quit in a kind respectful way, you know, transition docs and all that, don't leave anyone hanging. But the thing is, when you're working on big systemic problems and you're an innovator in your space, you're a Graceful Rulebreaker, right? A lot of times quitting isn't really the answer, right? Persisting is, and looking at things differently is. The key note I want to underline here is that persisting is not the same as pushing, right?

(12:02)

Persisting, pushing. Anytime, literally, any time you feel like you are forcing something, like, you are at odds with the universe and how the energy is flowing. This is a big sign to pay attention to. And, you know, pushing is something that you should quit a hundred percent of the time, and quitting pushing is not the same thing as not persisting. Okay? So, I have definitely had and continue to work on letting go of this belief that success involves having this high tolerance for pain or discomfort, like, in order to be successful, like, things are just going to be really painful, I'm going to have to suffer and like run myself into the ground, and things are going to be hard. I am so willing to let go of that belief, and it's also so ingrained for me, and I imagine some of you too, that it's difficult, but I think there are a lot of things that we make much more difficult and painful than they need to be, simply because, like, one, we're used to that, right? Like, we're used to having to overcome and do hard things. And two, because we judge rather than just accept reality.

(13:16)

For me, if something doesn't feel easy, if I'm pushing, if I feel like I'm forcing, it means that something is out of alignment. And if something is out of alignment, I will refer you to these three same questions on quitting. How is your self-care? Is this your passion? And lastly, why? But this time rather than, why do I feel like quitting? Let's say, why isn't this working? Identify where you are pushing and dig into why things feel forced. I've said this before and I'll say it again, when I'm pushing, I'm either not taking good care of myself or something is misaligned with my values and purpose, and the quicker I can figure out where the disconnect is and address it, the more quickly I'm going to be able to feel light, happy and in the flow again.

(14:12)

So, persisting isn't pushing. Things don't have to be hard. It's a belief that we all cling to consciously, subconsciously, but you know, we're here and we're practicing and learning, and growing because we are open to things being easier. We're open to being in the flow. I will leave you with this; it is not wrong to quit, but the world needs you and your unique perspectives and gifts. So, if you're feeling down and you're ready to tap out, take a pause and reflect on whether it's time to actually like peace out, and go figure out a different way to serve the world, or whether it's time to reconnect and tap into more ease in your work and your life. Neither choice is wrong, and I know you will make the one that's right for you.