Season 2: Ep. 01 - On Control

(00:28)

Welcome back to Graceful Rulebreakers. I'm your host, Kirsten Lee Hill. Welcome to season two. To kick things off this season, I want to talk about control. I'll admit, my default status is pretty controlling. I'm a micromanager one might say, I try to sit back and let things unfold, but I'm impatient and thorough. And I often find myself in micromanaging territory again, and again. Let's just say, I like to know what's going on. I like deadlines. I like people checking in. I like to be in the loop and to know that I'm doing everything in my power to move things forward. I even try to control, my controlling, because I know it can overwhelm others. So, I use boomerang in Gmail to schedule when my friendly follow-ups will go out, or I set reminders in my phone of when it would feel appropriate to follow up on something. Even though what I really want to do is follow up this exact second. I'm not great at allowing space because I don't like uncertainty, and control strives to create certainty.

(01:38)

In some sense, what's wrong with wanting to be certain? What's wrong with wanting to be super organized and on top of everything? Nothing, I guess, but control takes a toll on your mental health and truthfully it isn't always productive. In fact, oftentimes it's not productive. The problem with control is that it doesn't create flow, control. Like, even the way the word feels when you say it is restrictive, it's tight, it's not expansive like the word flow, control, constriction. It's stressful. It's a harsh energy. I don't want harsh energy in my life. Control is enticing. It seems like it will feel good. It seems like it'll get you answers quickly. But in reality, control takes up a lot of energy and takes your attention away from productive things that you could be doing.

(02:29)

Control only feels productive and that's because it's active, right? Like you're doing things, but it isn't productive because at the end of the day, you are not in control of the people or the world around you. I honestly think a lot about the Gnarls Barkley song, I think it's called Crazy, where and then he goes… ha, ha, ha, bless your soul. You really think you're in control. That, like, plays in my head all the time because I'm not, we're not, we are so not in control. Even when we are being controlling, we are not in control. It's just an illusion to calm us down.

(03:09)

It's a weird dichotomy that I'm such a control freak because I also believe in the power of the universe, and honestly, deep down, I know that the only thing I can control is how I choose to react to what goes around me. No matter how much I think one more friendly reminder will get me that deliverable on time, I am not in control. For me, when I'm dealing with delays or with conflict, I'm the person whose instinct is to burn everything down. Like, light it up, let's burn some bridges because this uncertainty is so painful for me. I hate the not knowing, that I would rather have an outcome that I don't want that's negative and just be done and move on. I like things tied up neatly with a bow, I trust myself to deal with negative outcomes. I'm like, just take me out of the agony of the uncertainty. Like, what? That's when my control freak comes out. I would really rather have bad news now and just push, push, push, prod, prod, prod, control, control, control to get an outcome, then just patiently wait for potentially good news.

(04:08)

Does anyone else relate to that? Like, that's a serious problem that I struggle with. I've been getting better, but you know, it's a practice and what I've had to learn and what perhaps some or many of you do as well, is that the more we get into that control mode, trying to ensure an outcome or to push things along, the more stuff kind of hits the fan. The more stuck you get. You're not rolling with things, so you're attracting more chaos and putting yourself through agony. We cannot force someone to respond to our emails. We cannot force someone to want to work with us or to love us. We can't force someone to be reasonable. We can't, friendly follow up our way to a positive outcome, right? People operate on their own schedules, of their own volition. These things are out of our control, trying to control the situation through getting mad or guilting people or whatever other tools you have that try to control, incessant follow up for me, is a waste of time and honestly, kind of bad vibes.

(05:16)

And again, I say that as someone who's in recovery from doing these things, I'm working on it because I really think it's important to let go of the control and just relax into the flow of life. I think that will give us peace on our journey. For those of you who don't know, I suffer from panic attacks, diagnosed with panic disorder in 2010 and have been in treatment ever since. I don't like to talk about it a lot because it makes me feel weak and that's a stigma, and something that I'm projecting, but it makes me feel weak. I worry that people won't think I'm good at my job or smart, reliable, because I have panic attacks. And I bring this up now because to me, panic attacks are kind of like a cosmic joke, but really a cosmic lesson on me, because to me, a panic attack is the complete loss of control, right?

(06:14)

And even more ironic is that my panic is often triggered when I can't regulate what's going on around me. And one of the things that having panic attacks has really taught me is that even when I think I'm perfectly in control, I'm not. And once they start happening, the more I try to control them, the worse they get. What an incredible life lesson I've been gifted. I sound kind of sarcastic because I'm like, it's so painful, but seriously, that is an incredible life lesson. What it has helped teach me is that when I'm feeling like I want control, you know, to like burn something down, it is a clear signal to me that I need to take a deep breath and step back. I step away from my phone, step away from the email. I remind myself that everything is always working out for me.

(07:08)

And I go for a walk outside or dive into some binge-worthy show on Netflix or Hulu, and try to distract my mind so that I can just let it go. Tapping, EFT, emotional freedom technique, which I've done a bite-size tip on before is also a really great option when you're just stuck on something that you can't let go of. Like, when I'm having a panic attack, instead of trying to control situations in life, now I try to practice leaning back and just breathing and being in that moment, and when I do that, the situations resolve so much more quickly. It makes me think of that saying, like, let go or be dragged. You can let go of the control or you can hold on really tight and just get dragged through uncomfortable situations. The more I let go, the more things flow, the more I control or try to control, the more frustrated I feel, the more things don't flow, and I just get annoyed with people and annoyed with myself for trying to control everything, and it's just a bad situation.

(08:13)

When I talk about letting go and not controlling and surrendering, a lot of times I hear about something that I think is a misconception, and that's that surrendering or letting go is equal to being lazy or giving up your autonomy, or just throwing up your hands and being like, I have no control, so just like, I'm not going to do anything. I do not think any of that is true. Surrendering or realizing that you can't control what goes on around you, is absolutely not a free pass to just sit around all day and let life happen to you. Letting go of control is accepting that you cannot force an outcome or a timeline, things will unfold how they're meant to unfold.

(08:57)

Yeah, let's get that zen, right? It's a practice. Things will unfold how they are meant to unfold. Divine timing. The only thing you can do is intentionally react. You can react in a way that is calm with intention, or you can be more impulsive and react in a way where you get stressed or agitated, or mad. But really those reactions are just ways of trying to control the situation with your emotions. You have a choice to keep being controlling and feeling tight and restricted, and frustrated, or you can act in integrity, do your part, take a breath and decide how to proceed as new information comes in. Yes, be responsible. It makes sense to follow up. It's not like never follow up, never nag someone, never ask more questions. And of course, advocate for yourself, be diligent. The key is to do these things from a detached space.

(09:59)

What does that mean? Don't do them out of anger or frustration. Do them from a values-based place of; here I am, this is what I stand for, this is what I need, this is what's important to me, this is what I need from you, can you give this thing to me? The person on the other end can either meet those needs or not. That's the lesson, right? You can't force them to meet those needs. You can't force them to meet those needs on your timeline, but you can decide, based on their response or lack of response, to move on. You don't have to waste your energy forcing an outcome. Don't waste time worrying about what they might do or how they might respond or what you'll do next with whatever happens, like you don't have to tell the future, right? You can't control what happens.

(10:49)

So, take a step back, set whatever seems like a reasonable amount of time, given the situation to make a decision to take the next step and wait it out. When you know more, you can take action. Your job is to show up and do your part, act with integrity, be kind, be understanding, but still assert your worth and values. Then let the universe do its part. Think about pronoia; the world is conspiring for you. If you're forcing, if you're having to control, there's some lesson there, take a step back and allow yourself to reflect on what that might be. What is the world trying to show you? Is this the wrong path? Maybe. Is this the wrong timeline? Is this an opportunity for you to respectfully and from a place of being calm and centered advocate for yourself, really unpack what's going on, instead of just going into a reactive controlling mode.

(11:55)

When you operate from a space of being calm and in touch with your intuition, things will feel better and less stressful. Things will start to flow. And while I can't guarantee how anything will work out, I have equally no control as you. I can say that no matter how things go, you will be able to handle them with grace. When in doubt, take a step back and breathe, and remember, show up, act in alignment with your values and then let go. What comes next is out of your hands. Trust that you'll be able to handle it, and trust that you will be able to gracefully take the next step.